J.K. Simmons is … ripped now? I mean, same, but: Why!!!!!!!!!! (Think of those as question marks that have been working out.) Seriously, though: Why? Why in the name of god on steroids is 61-year-old J.K. Simmons putting on “who hurt you” muscles? Why does he look like a penis wearing a Coke Zero can? Why does he look like Michael Stipe not getting any compliments? Why does he look like someone who’s self-published an e-book on war strategy? Why does he look like Mr. Clean going through a divorce? Why does he look like a painting that would be hanging over Michael Bay’s bed? Why does he look like one of those creepy babies with muscles, but then in a twist the baby also for some reason has on high-end aging prosthetics, and then for some other reason in another twist the baby has on even higher-end baby prosthetics, over those aging prosthetics, a level of prosthetics so high-end they’re actually just the reanimated skin parts of lazy people? Why?
Well, as it turns out, there really is a good reason: Simmons is preparing for his role as James Gordon — famed police commissioner of Gotham City — in Zack Snyder’s upcoming Justice League movie.
Just kidding; that’s not at all a good reason! Like: Peace to Whiplash, peace to Juno, peace to TNT’s The Closer (they’ll bring you in; she’ll make you talk), peace to O.G. Spider-Man — J.K. Simmons is incredible. But what are we even doing here? To repeat: James Gordon is the police commissioner. He’s a cop — and not even an on-patrol cop! In fact, Commissioner Gordon might be the only character in the entire DC Universe who definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely does not have to be ripped. And yet: At some point in this [miss you] process, Zack Snyder apparently did some soul-searching; forced a family of sharks to enter a paintball tournament (or whatever it is he does to soul-search); came back to his office; slapped a mock-up of Commissioner Gordon on the wall; and said, “NEEDS MORE VEINS.” It’s amazing. Nothing has ever been less asked for, or more pointless. I kind of respect it.
But in its own, small way, it is also a glimpse into why Zack Snyder’s DC feels born to lose: He has one gear. It’s a gear of serious men, and museum-fed musculature, and the idea that politics is a dinner party leading to an arm-wrestling match. It’s just too simple — and too severe. It’s only, finally, macho. And after Dawn of Justice, it’s the last thing anyone wanted: more of the same.
Anyway, it’s no big deal. J.K. Simmons looks great and that’s great. He’s that dude and good for him. But I can tell you a secret right now that will save everyone a lot of money: There’s already a Batman cartoon.