Technically speaking, Carmelo Anthony is a millennial. He’s 32, works in New York City, and regularly celebrates his ’90s nostalgia on social media. The team is days away from heading to Rio, and as the oldest player on Team USA, Melo is sacrificing himself to play an essential role: Curmudgeon.
If you somehow missed DeMar DeRozan’s contribution to the Library of Congress’s historic video collection over the weekend, this is Jimmy Butler and Kyrie Irving performing a rendition of Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” on the team plane. Most of Team USA seems to be enjoying it: DeRozan is dancing (although his earbuds seem to indicate that he isn’t listening), Draymond Green is giddily filming along, Harrison Barnes can’t keep from smiling, and Kevin Durant is having the most fun someone can possibly have while being wrapped in a comforter. Melo, however, “ain’t having it,” to quote DeRozan’s caption. He is the cranky grandpa of Team USA. Meanwhile, his teammates/metaphorical grandchildren are living it up, and they don’t care who knows.
Green’s Snapchat account provided us another look at Team USA’s impromptu plane concert:
Among the more notable revelations: Butler controls the aux cord, which is somewhat surprising given his notoriously questionable music taste. He treated his teammates to an eclectic range of artists, including Donell Jones, Ruben Studdard, and … Linkin Park (“Who this, Slipknot?” a voice rings out in the background), perhaps in honor of the recently retired Tim Duncan. Melo remained “grumpy as hell!!!” for the duration of the flight; Durant stays rocking Oklahoma City colors under his comforter; and Irving threw a water bottle at Green, presumably in response to his poor singing skills.
It was all good, wholesome fun, but this wouldn’t be a Draymond Green team without some sort of controversy rooted in the nether regions. Accordingly, fans hoping for more all-access coverage of Team USA’s shenanigans via Green’s social media platforms were greeted with a dick pic on his Snapchat story Sunday morning. He quickly claimed to have been hacked … for, like, the fourth time in his Twitter career:
Realizing that this explanation was about as believable as his ludicrous rationale for kicking Steven Adams in the groin, Green quickly retracted his story and apologized for his latest crotch-related controversy. But even when Team USA is bad at the internet, it’s really, really good. Just as they would on the court, players switched and recovered efficiently. Rather than pretending the incident didn’t happen, his fellow Olympians have wisely chosen to mock Green’s Snapchat faux pas, because that’s what internet stars do. It started with Melo and Durant covering their crotches while modeling some spiffy Polo gear:
If you thought Durant would lay off the man who recruited him to Golden State, think again:
DeMarcus Cousins was a bit more, um, forward:
Really forward.
Even the draconian Coach K couldn’t keep practice from turning into a straight-up roast session, with Boogie playing the role of Jeff Ross:
The best part of all this? Team USA doesn’t start playing until Saturday, which means we’re in for plenty more internet mischief (and boat shoes selfies) in the days to come. Give me the Snapchat Squad over the Dream Team any day of the week.