Antonio Brown got a flag for twerking and so that’s how I know who my new favorite NFL player is now.
Antonio Brown got a flag for twerking and I’m reminded that any time you have a black guy with a first name like maybe a Mexican guy he will be great at whatever it is he chooses to be great at, shout-out Antonio Brown and Julio Jones, the two best wide receivers in the NFL right now.
Antonio Brown got a flag during Monday night’s game for twerking and I could hear 100,000 excited-to-be-unhappy people opening up their Acer laptops to write open letters to Antonio Brown and the NFL and America. “Why I’ll Never Watch Football Again”; “Antonio? More Like ‘An-Hell-No’”; “My Daughter Watched Antonio Brown Twerk and Now She’s Addicted to Crack”; “Abraham Lincoln Never Twerked, so Why Does Antonio Brown Have To?”; “A Hard Day’s Twerk: How Antonio Brown Was the Biggest Racist of All in Washington, D.C., Last Night”; “Twerk Du Soleil: Let’s Watch the Liberals Do Mental Gymnastics Trying to Defend Antonio Brown’s Lurid Dance Moves”; “Antonio and the Kids: How A Father Explains Twerking, Identity, and Controversy to His Biracial Sons.”
Antonio Brown got a flag for twerking and that’s the first time that’s ever happened so that means the Most Important Events timeline now goes:
- The advent of politics in Greece during the seventh century BC
- The advent of democracy in Greece in 507 BC (Greece was fucking on top of things, man.)
- The advent of Magna Carta in England in 1215
- The advent of LeBron James in 1984 in the state of Ohio
- The advent of twerking on Monday Night Football in 2016 in Washington, D.C.
Antonio Brown got a flag for twerking and the flag was for unsportsmanlike conduct and the first flag a player gets for unsportsmanlike conduct is accompanied by a $12,154 fine, so that’s how much Antonio Brown is going to have to pay for getting a flag for twerking. Brown pumped five times during the twerk. That means it cost him more than $2,400 per pump. That’s way too high of a dollar-to-pump ratio. I wouldn’t sacrifice more than, say, $50 per pump; possibly $75 per pump if it was a special occasion like my wedding anniversary or George Washington’s birthday. My family has not allocated nearly as much to our monthly pump budget as Antonio Brown has. I respect him for so proactively stimulating the pump economy.
Antonio Brown got a flag for twerking and these are each of the five pumps ranked:
- The First Pump: Truly a revolutionary pump. The trendsetter pump. The pump that started it all. The pump that paved the way for all the pumps that came after it. One day, this pump will gather all the other pumps around it and tell tales of the horrible pump discrimination it faced being the First Pump. One of the younger pumps will say, “Why did you keep pumping if pumping was so hard back then?” and the First Pump will look at that younger pump and it’ll very profoundly say, “What good is a pump if it’s not pumping?” and all the other pumps will understand the gravity of the statement even if they don’t totally understand all of the pump-based dynamics yet on account of how pump-immature they all still are. “Listen to me,” the First Pump will continue, “no matter how hard your pump life gets, and no matter how many anti-pump propagandists you find yourself running up against — and trust me, you will run up against many — just remember this: Never stop pumping. Never. Ever. Stop. Pumping.”
- The Fifth Pump: This was the most suspenseful pump. Antonio holds out on delivering it to until the very last instant of the very last second. You’re watching him four pumps in like, “There’s no way he could possibly go for five pumps, is there?” And you’re just watching and watching and watching and time has slowed down, and you’re watching and watching and time has stopped, and you’re watching and watching and waaaaaaaaaatching and then !!!BANG!!!, like a goddamn war hero, he pops out an against-all-odds Fifth Pump. It’s the Secret Soldiers of Benghazi of the five pumps.
- The Third Pump: A very serviceable pump. Not too flashy, but also not too boring. This pump has a 401(k) but still drives a motorcycle occasionally on the weekends, you know what I’m saying? This is the pump you’re not afraid to introduce to your parents at Thanksgiving dinner, but also the pump you’re excited for your friends to meet. The ideal pump for a fruitful long-term pump commitment.
- The Second Pump: This most forgettable of all the pumps.
- The Fourth Pump: Wishes every day that Antonio had never delivered that Fifth Pump. “I’d have been a great last pump,” the Fourth Pump says to himself, sitting alone at a pump bar on Christmas Eve, drinking, wondering what it was about him that Antonio found so lacking that he forced himself to summon up the strength and courage to execute that iconic Fifth Pump. “It should’ve been me,” the Fourth Pump mutters. “Hey, don’t you know him?” the bartender says, and he’s pointing at the TV, and it’s the Fifth Pump doing an interview with a local TV station. He’s dressed as Santa Claus and he’s delivering toys to an inner-city shelter. “Turn it off,” the Fourth Pump says. “Huh?” the bartender asks. “I said turn it off!” the Fourth Pump shouts, slamming his glass down on the bar, shattering it, breaking it into as many pieces as his little pump heart.
Antonio Brown got a flag for twerking and the points the Steelers received for the touchdown he scored prior to his twerk celebration got added to their score while he was twerking, so it looked like their score was increasing because he was twerking. It was like watching Super Mario jumping up into the multi-coin brick over and over again to collect coins, except better, because instead of Super Mario it was Antonio Brown, and instead of a multi-coin brick it was his butt.
Antonio Brown got a flag for twerking and I desperately wanted the referee to jog out to the middle of the field, turn his microphone on, then very earnestly say, “Unsportsmanlike conduct on the offense, no. 84. Making that thang clap. That 15-yard penalty will be assessed on the kickoff.” Or maybe, “Unsportsmanlike conduct on the offense, no. 84. Throwing that ass in a circle. That 15-yard penalty will be assessed on the kickoff.” Or possibly, “Unsportsmanlike conduct on the offense, no. 84. Shaking that monkey. That 15-yard penalty will be assessed on the kickoff.” Or perhaps, “Unsportsmanlike conduct on the offense, no. 84. Making that motherfucker hammertime. That 15-yard penalty will be assessed on the kickoff.” Or even, “Unsportsmanlike conduct on the offense, no. 84. Left, left, left-right, right,” and as he said it he cupped his hands and moved them each time he said “left” or “right” so as to imitate butt cheeks moving. “That 15-yard penalty will be assessed on the kickoff.” And then after the referee made the call he’d head back to his spot on the field, at which point one of the other referees would walk over to him and say, “More like ass-essed on the kickoff, right?” and then they would laugh amongst themselves.
Antonio Brown got a flag for twerking and the NFL was more fun than it usually is for a few minutes.