This fall, Snapchat will release $130 toy sunglasses with a camera embedded in them, called Spectacles. They’re like Google Glass, if Glass were cheaper, did less, and had a theme, something like: “ADHD Lax Bro Goes to Ft. Lauderdale, Gets Medium-Drunk off Mike’s Hard, and Joyrides His Stepdad’s New Pontoon.” My initial reaction to this news was that it’s a spectacularly goony move.
Then again, most everything Snapchat does sounds dumb to me, and then I end up laughing my ass off when I face-swap with a dolphin, so what do I know! Did you know Snapchat created an online literary magazine? What a weird company. I’m into it. In fact, I think Snapchat should get even weirder. I don’t know what will happen with Spectacles, but as long as Snapchat is down with releasing questionable-sounding but possibly brilliant novelty products, I have some ideas I would like to share:
Snapchat Hot Filter Glasses
Have you ever used the “hot” filter on Snapchat? I recommend it. You will look great — very smooth skin, pretty nose. When I see myself through the hot filter, I think: Why don’t I look like this in real life? That is why I think Snapchat should make another kind of glasses: Hot Filter Glasses. When you put them on, everyone will look like they do when they use the hot filter. Makeouts will happen, love will bloom.
De-Drunkifying Snapchat Lens
Snapchat’s lenses are great, but why isn’t there one that makes you look 100 percent sober no matter what?
Pants App
An app that tells you whether or not pants will fit and flatter you, so you don’t have to try them on.
Heat Umbrella
Imagine taking a stroll on a chilly day. The sunshine has a crisp, crystalline quality and everything seems a little more possible. But you are cold. Must you pop into an overpriced cafe just to warm up and sip a lukewarm cortado, like a moron? Not if you are carrying a Heat Umbrella, which is like a normal umbrella except it emanates warmth via battery-powered heaters.
Shazam for Buildings
I’ve already discussed my dream of having a Shazam for buildings on The Ringer dot com but I will say it again: Shazam for buildings. Think about it! You’re walking around the city where you live, or you are on vacation, and you want to know more about a building. You point your phone at the building, and then it tells you when it was built, who the architect was, what kind of building it is, some neat historical tidbits, etc. “Oh that? That’s a rococo portico,” you say, like a genius.
Shazam for Buttons
When a button falls off, you take a picture of a remaining button, and this app tells you where you can buy a replacement.
Shazam for Accents
So you’ll never piss off a person from New Zealand by asking them what it’s like to live in Australia or anger a person with a mouth full of coleslaw by confusing them for someone from Baltimore.
Easy-Pee Jumpsuits
I realize this is not traditionally “tech,” but if you go to a TED Talk or nootropics scavenger hunt reiki meetup or whatever people do for fun in Silicon Valley, somebody will be wearing a fancy jumpsuit, so, sure — tech. Fancy jumpsuits look cool, and they are comfy. Their downside is that they are a dickens to pee in. You have to take the whole thing off. This is why they should make them with a discreet pee hole in the crotch. Maybe you could Velcro it, or have a small zipper. I’m not a designer, but if Snapchat was going to get in on this, it’d make sense if the jumpsuits had snaps at the crotch, wouldn’t it?
Pizza Uber
I know Uber has “Uber Eats.” I’m not talking about Uber Eats. What I’m talking about is when you order a car, there’s a button that says “pizza,” and you hit it, and it adds like $20, or however much a large pizza costs, to the cost of your ride, and when you get in the car there’s a ’za waiting for you.
I don’t know why Uber hasn’t made this yet; Snapchat should give it a shot. Snapchat should buy Lyft and rename it Pizza Uber.