On last week’s Any Given Wednesday, Bill Simmons gave advice to Chicago Cubs fans, speaking from his experience as a Boston fan who saw his beloved Red Sox break their own curse in 2004. With the Cubs now in the NLCS, we’re resurfacing his eight tips. Here’s an excerpt from the AGW clip.
This transcript has been edited and condensed.
The last time Cubs fans got their hopes up in October, the Bartman play damn near broke ’em. By the way, it’s not Bartman’s fault — seven people were going for the ball!
Hey, I’ve been there. By 2003, I was so scarred by baseball, I wasn’t sure if I should raise my kids as Red Sox fans. It just seemed like bad parenting — not this bad, but bad.
But Big Papi and the boys taught me to believe again. And now, Cubs fans need to do the same.
This year a loaded 2016 Cubs team won 103 games and sucked them in. Even 113-year-old Adele Dunlap got fired up about seeing another Cubs title!
But I don’t want Cubs fans to get psyched out like Jonathan Mardukas …
Here are my eight October tips:
1. Get Ready for Rock Bottom
Sometimes, you can’t do the impossible until you hit rock bottom … then, that’s when it happens.
Like LeBron’s Cavs looking like road kill against a 73-win juggernaut until they rose from the ashes …
Or the Indians winning the ’89 pennant even after Wild Thing banged Roger Dorn’s ex-wife!
2. Curses Are Bullshit
Billy goats don’t ruin teams. Bad owners and bad management do.
Like, the Knicks are cursed by a ghost who looks exactly like James Dolan. See what I mean?
To that point —
3. In Theo We Trust
You have Theo Epstein now! He’s already done this!
If you’re losing your championship virginity on a cool October night, here’s the guy you want. Trust in Theo. He’s very gentle.
4. Losing Is for Losers
Stop telling us “just making the World Series would be huge.” Enough — we know it’s bullshit.
5. Baby Zobrist
It’s a perfect time to decide what Cubs name to give your next child.
True story: In 2004, I wanted to name our kid Curt Pedro Simmons … thank God she was a girl! No — seriously — thank God. But it kept my mind off being nervous and stuff.
6. Punish Joe Buck
Speaking of nervous: We didn’t have social media in 2004 to fight announcers who kept bringing up 86 years and the Curse of the Bambino.
Well, you have Twitter!
If Joe Buck keeps bringing up billy goats and Bartman every five minutes …
Look — here he is! GO GET HIM!
7. Charm’s Race
I don’t believe in curses, but I do believe in karma.
I believe the wrong decision can fuck up a hot blackjack table. I believe cheaters get what’s coming. And I believe in lucky hats, lucky meals, lucky sitting positions, playoff beards … I mean, I wore the same T-shirt during the ’04 playoffs because a pigeon shit on it. Italians believe that’s good luck. And it worked! PROVE ME WRONG.
8. Party Like It’s 1908
Finally, Cubs fans, please, do not act like you’ve been there before. You haven’t been there before!
Enjoy yourselves!
Get drunk after wins! Eat too much deep dish! Mock White Sox fans! Get an ill-advised Cubs tattoo!
Because if they win it all? There is nothing better. It’s like your own citywide Mardi Gras.
You’ll rest knowing that you won’t have to live your whole life, then die, without winning a World Series. It’s the best. I’m telling you.
And after the parade, you can even blow your kid’s college fund on world championship gear! I’m sure little Zobrist Bryant will understand.