Drake and Jennifer Lopez are dating. Maybe. Rumors are swirling, and we’re a little skeptical. Is this relationship real, or just another example of a celebrity lying to us? Do we even care if it’s real or not? We’re here to figure it out.
Amanda Dobbins: Here’s the thing: Drake and J.Lo almost definitely are not in a real relationship, if only because real relationships take (a) time, (b) regular physical proximity, and (c) less ego than what’s going on between those two. (That’s a little therapy gift from me to you.) But we, as a celebrity-watching community, need to be a little more precise about our language on this stuff. Are they getting married? No. Are they meeting parents? I hope not. Have they slept together? Yeah, sure, why wouldn’t they? If you were Drake and/or Jennifer Lopez, and you were presented with the opportunity to liaise with the other pop star in this equation, wouldn’t you?
That said, I am 100 percent sure that they made a mutual postcoital decision to publicize this stuff for musical and financial gain, and honestly … I don’t care. Authenticity only matters if you make a big deal out of it. If they’re doing Dateline specials in six months, I’ll be pissed. For now, get yours.
Alison Herman: You know the only reason we’ve had to subsist on the thin, thin gossip gruel Rihanna and Drake have fed us for so many years? Because neither of them have given us a proper alternative to feast on. That’s fine for Rihanna, whose weed-scented glow would only be dimmed by someone to share the red carpet with. That’s unacceptable for Drake, whose needy-cornbread act practically begs for a foil, preferably one he very performatively knows is out of his league. Remember that one time he made out with Serena and we all lost our minds? Drake-Lo has that potential, especially since you know he’s had a crush on her since his bar mitzvah days. This may not be real, but it’s definitely a much-needed addition to Drake’s persona, and that’s far more important.
Kate Knibbs: They are dating and it is “real” in the sense that they are spending time together, French kissing, and making Papi-based jokes, but it is not “real” in the sense that Drake still loves Rihanna more than anything and J.Lo still loves maintaining her eternal, supple youth by cavorting with a series of much-younger men more than anything. The “couple” won’t make it through 2017, is what I’m saying, but I do think they have genuinely seen each other naked and eaten eggs together.
Justin Charity: Drake is not dating Jennifer Lopez, nor is he dating Rihanna, nor has he ever dated anyone, as our colleague Lindsay Zoladz once persuasively argued shortly before the launch of this very website. Drake is trolling Lopez’s ex-boyfriend Puffy, who once allegedly humiliated Drake by allegedly punching him at a party. Allegedly. That’s all that matters: the vengeance aspect. There’s no actual romance here — just stunting. In fact, the strong possibility that these lovey-dovey, coupled-up Instagram photos of Drake and Lopez are all a publicity stunt is pretty infuriating considering how popular Drake is, and how thickly the nation’s airwaves and Wi-Fi networks are saturated with his music. Going to such unrealistic, attention-seeking lengths to promote is certainly overkill on his part, especially considering that he “dated” Serena Williams, and then Rihanna, and then Jennifer Lopez all in the course of, what, 18 months? Just drop the tapes, bruh. I want to believe in love. I hate it when the Hollywood mating industry goes so preposterously out of its way to remind me that life in the early 21st century is taxes, marketing synergies, and death.
Donnie Kwak: Dating? Pshaw. What is this, Degrassi? The realer (and crasser) question is if Drake has had sexual relations with that woman, Jennifer Lopez. The probability is high. Even if he hasn’t, perception is reality in celebrity dating. Carousing equals fucking. Which means that Drake has now officially surpassed Derek Jeter as the GOAT biracial swordsman.
Allison P. Davis: To answer the questions laid out before us: I do think Drake and Jennifer Lopez are really dating (or at least casually and consistently boning), and of course I care. Rude of you to think I wouldn’t.
I’m actually very pro a Drake and Jennifer Lopez relationship, if we can get the portmanteau right. (Drennifer. No. Dropez? Maybe.) Drake is a total fuckboy who needs to reform because he’s rapidly maxing out on the allotted time in which one is allowed to write Fuckboy Anthems. And Jennifer Lopez eats fuckboys for breakfast. She can help.
I imagine it would work much like the plot in that terrible Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie Don Jon, in which Julianne Moore is the older woman who teaches a porn-obsessed young buck the real ways of love and lovemaking. Maybe this will be the relationship that makes him grow up and write songs that demonstrate some sort of healthy reverence for women and an understanding of a mutually respectful, loving relationship with another human being instead of whatever it is he’s been doing. (Though I imagine it’s texting Rihanna “U up” with an eggplant emoji and calling that a long-term relationship.)
And it seems right for Jennifer, too. She needs someone fun she can boss around and who will worship her. She needs to date a good-looking younger man because she is age resistant and men her own age look like Monty Burns next to her, no matter who they are. Drake is the kind of guy who wouldn’t be embarrassed about riding around in a Bentley with her or rubbing her butt on a yacht. (Still don’t understand why Ben Affleck couldn’t handle that task, but OK.) Together as a couple, they could collaborate on such fun stuff: remaking the “Jenny From the Block” video as it always should have been made, maybe starring in an update of The Graduate or Once Bitten together, or at least spoofing it in a music video. Also, imagine the potential Dateline special their relationship could have! Their love — and our entertainment — knows no bounds.
Tate Frazier: Drake thinks it’s real, and J.Lo just seized the opportunity. Drake always thinks it’s real, and his music reflects it. Just look at “Take Care” or “Too Good” with Rihanna. He always gets caught up thinking the lyrics are an actuality. I’m sure he was making typical, sex-induced J.Lo songs and thought she meant it all and immediately gave her his chain. This is also him taking his ultimate revenge on Diddy, who called him on his thievery of the “0 to 100” beat.
Carl Brooks Jr.: This Drake and Jennifer Lopez situation is very lit. This is my new favorite light-skinned duo, dethroning Steph Curry and Klay Thompson after a long run. I largely don’t care whether they’re actually dating because J.Lo has been playing chess while the rest of the pop culture world has been playing checkers since like 1997. The very appearance of a Drake-Lopez relationship is enough for me. I’ve been waiting for something like this since Drake claimed, “Spanish girls love me like I’m Aventura,” and joined forces with Romeo Santos. I’ve already braced myself to preorder whatever these two are planning to sling us for $13.99 because that’s how much I admire them giving us all something to gossip about over the holidays. We all know that this is too good to be true and the face-value enjoyment we’re getting out of it is some elaborate ploy, but we should be allowed to enjoy nice things, and that includes light-skinned, squinty-eyed “love.”
Rob Harvilla: He was always destined to end up with a woman old enough to be his mother. Don’t overthink this. Their love is real, and terrifying. What should concern you, should this passionate affair burn long and bright enough to substantially influence the next Drake album, are the puns. “From the 6 train to the 6 God” and so forth. Recall that Jennifer Lopez appeared in the film Anaconda. Also, The Back-up Plan. Also, The Boy Next Door. You are picturing the punch lines. You are wincing.
We are hurtling headlong toward Drake’s Gigli here. This would be preferable, obviously, to throwing yet another log on the cheerless fire of his I Just Remembered Another Pre-Fame Ex-Girlfriend I Wanted to Complain About phase, which has lasted a solid half-decade, somehow. He’ll have lots of new material, at least. And though the potential for profound embarrassment is great, something so perilous as a high-wire celebrity relationship might be the only way to get him to snap out of it. If they make it to Halloween, he should dress up as Ja Rule. But let’s take this one month at a time.
