Last month, Jenny Slate and Chris Evans, everybody’s favorite “huh?” couple, called it quits after nine months of dating. All the reports from their respective camps insisted that the split was “amicable.” “It wasn’t dramatic or anything like that,” one source said.
This is pretty par for the course. Tons of celebrity couples use unnamed “sources” after breakups to present a drama-free situation to publications with high circulations. Often, though, after a little while, the real dirt — affairs, egos, gambling problems — comes out. (Just ask Ben Affleck.) This is not what’s happening with Slevans, though. Not only have these guys had an amicable split, they have had the most amicable split. Star magazine must be shook.
Proof: Currently, the two are on a press blitz promoting their movie Gifted, and instead of slinging shit at one another, acting like the relationship never existed — or even actually just promoting said movie — they’re spending most of their time saying the nicest things about one another. From a puff piece in People to a New York magazine profile, they just can’t stop! I’m starting to believe that Slate and Evans genuinely loved each other and still like and respect one another. Sob.
While the frequency and intensity of these mutual niceties might be baffling from a PR standpoint (did they enter into some sort of blood oath with one another? Is it just to get good press for an otherwise bad movie? Is this Evans’s first attempt at performance art?), they’ve managed to keep Evans and Slate in our hearts even as they get further and further from their relationship’s expiration date. Naturally, as we mourn the loss of this couple, the only solace we have is to rank all the compliments they’ve paid each other, and hope that one day our relationships are as nice as their breakup.
12. “I know Chris and he’s a very nice man.”
— Jenny Slate, New York magazine
This is a pretty bare-bones compliment. It’s the most minimal, impersonal acknowledgment of their time together — it actually hardly indicates they spent any time together intimately. Like, you “know” a lot of people: your dentist, your mom’s tennis instructor, your best friend’s cousin — that’s not so special. And the stilted “he’s a very nice man” makes it sound like someone had a gun to a puppy’s head and was forcing Slate to say something slightly kind. This is a compliment reserved for an enemy.
11. “He’s a lovely person.”
— Jenny Slate, New York magazine
Again, just so generic.
10. “She’s the best.”
— Chris Evans, People
Another compliment that does not indicate any genuine emotion. Pizza can be the best. Shoes can be the best. House can be the best. See?
9. “Oddly enough, I’ve only known Jenny for a few months, which is insane to say because we’re like the same animal.”
— Chris Evans, Anna Faris Is Unqualified
Part of Slevans’s appeal was the age-old dynamic of the cooler-than-you, sharp-witted hip woman allowing a golden-boy jock to date her. The — how to put this kindly — intellectual disparity between the two was clear from the get-go. Evans saying they are the “same animal” isn’t really a compliment to Slate — it’s more a way for Evans to align himself with her better qualities and perhaps trick us into forgetting his more Chris Evans qualities.
8. “She’s so vulnerable, so honest, so interested in other people more than herself, she’s incredibly compassionate, there’s just nothing to not love about her.”
— Chris Evans, People
OK, chill. I’m sure he means it, but it feels like his publicist wrote this statement for him.
7. “He’s a giant man with huge muscles. He’s Captain America.”
— Jenny Slate, Anna Faris Is Unqualified
Well, that’s just a fact.
6. “Chris is truly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, to the point where sometimes I would look at him and it would kind of break my heart.”
— Jenny Slate, New York magazine
This is a very nice expression of respect for Evans’s simpler qualities, but Jenny, why did it break your heart? Because you were already planning on breaking up with him and he had no idea? Like a little baby you’ve tricked into getting a shot at the doctor’s office?
5. “He is a straight-up 35-year-old man who wants to play games. That’s it. I was like, ‘I’d better not discount this, because this is purity.’”
— Jenny Slate, New York magazine
Now we’re cooking with gas. This is a real compliment. Slate’s displaying knowledge of who Chris Evans is, a grown man who just loves game night, but also accepting and praising those qualities, which other people might overlook.
4. “He’s like primary colors. He has beautiful, big, strong emotions, and he’s really sure of them. It’s just wonderful to be around. His heart is probably golden-colored, if you could paint it.”
— Jenny Slate, New York magazine
Jenny Slate has so many ways of saying she’s smarter than Chris Evans, and all of them are generous and sweet.
3. “She’s my favorite human.”
— Chris Evans, People
This is the platonic ideal of a compliment: Short, simple, personal, elevating the person you care about to a status above the other 7.4 billion people on this earth. Also, you can use it a lot of times and it never gets old.
2. “I’ve never ever ever met someone in my life who has a mastery of the English language the way she does. She’ll give you one sentence and there’s no fat to it. You’re like, ‘You just chose such an unbelievable collection of words that beautifully articulate what you say.’ It’s like an art form talking with her, because the visuals associated with her expression are just so colorful.”
— Chris Evans, People
I know someone probably told him to say this, but this is a really nice, specific thing to say about someone you are sort of in awe of. It’s like Evans studied how Slate talked all the time, so maybe he could also talk that way, even though he never could and will mourn their end forever.
1. “Chris said it’s like I’m a chick riding on a St. Bernard’s head.”
— Chris Evans via Jenny Slate, New York magazine
This feels like a compliment Chris Evans would actually say. It makes no sense, but reveals some weird inside joke that they probably exchanged on a Sunday afternoon. God, you guys, are you sure you meant to break up?
