The Movie Shark Roundtable
An exclusive look at a secret meeting of film history’s greatest sharks
INT. A KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS HALL, BUT SOMEWHERE IN THE OCEAN — DAY
Several famous sharks are swimming around, making small talk with one another. After a few moments, THE SHARK FROM THE SHALLOWS decides to get things started.
The Shark From The Shallows: OK, everyone. Settle down, settle down. I’d like to call to order this month’s Movie Shark Roundtable meeting. Same as always, let’s start with a roll call. Please respond when I call your name. The Shark From Jaws?
The Shark From Jaws: Here.
The Shark From The Shallows: The Shark From Shark Tale?
The Shark From Shark Tale: Present.
The Shark From The Shallows: The Shark From That Katy Perry Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago?
The Shark From That Katy Perry Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago: Here.
The Shark From The Shallows: The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson?
The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson: Here.
The Shark From The Shallows: The Shark From Open Water?
The Shark From Open Water: Here.
The Shark From The Shallows: The Shark From The Reef?
The Shark From The Reef: Yeah.
The Shark From The Shallows: The Shark From Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life That Got Punched by Lara Croft?
The Shark From Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life That Got Punched by Lara Croft: You really don’t have to say my whole name like that.
The Shark From The Shallows: The Shark From Sharknado That Someone Chainsawed Out Of?
The Shark From Sharknado That Someone Chainsawed Out Of: Here.
The Shark From The Shallows: And our newest member: The Shark From 47 Meters Down?
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: Here. Hello, everyone. Thanks for having me. Very excited to be here.
Everyone, all together: [Various versions of hello spoken all at once]
The Shark From The Shallows: Great. So, we’re all here. The Shark From The Reef, would you mind recapping our last meeting?
The Shark From The Reef: Sure. We were talking about the same thing we’ve been talking about since these meetings started, which is how do we rehabilitate our imag —
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: [interrupting] Actually … hi. Sorry. I’m sorry. I just had a few questions about a few things. Could we do those real quick before we get started? I just wanna make sure I’m all square with everything that’s going on here.
The Shark From The Shallows: Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. No problem.
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: Great. OK, first question, and I’m sure this is dumb and also I’m sure all of these questions I’m going to ask are dumb, but where are all the other sharks from all the other shark movies? There are a ton of shark movies but there’s only a few of us here. And more to that point, where are the rest of the sharks from the movies that actually are here? What I mean is: There are a few different sharks in 47 Meters Down. Why am I the only one from there here? Why only one shark from Deep Blue Sea or Shark Tale and so on?
The Shark From The Shallows: Those are both good questions for someone new to these meetings. To answer your first question, we don’t invite ALL the movie sharks. Most of them are simply too dumb. We have this big Movie Shark Conference once a year where everyone’s invited, but these monthly meetings are mostly just made up of sharks from the best shark movies, or the most iconic shark movies. Did you know there’s a shark movie about a shark that’s half-man and half-shark? There’s also Ghost Shark, who is an actual ghost, if you can even believe that. There’s Zombie Shark, Sand Sharks, Super Shark — there’s a lot of them, is what I’m saying, and most of them are bad. This here meeting is just for the best ones.
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: OK.
The Shark From The Shallows: And to answer your second question, that one’s easier: If a movie has multiple sharks in it, then only one of the sharks from it is allowed to attend this meeting. Sometimes we have to vote on things, so the One Shark Per Movie rule just helps to keep things … what’s the word?
The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson: [raises one fin] Democratic.
The Shark From The Shallows: Yes, democratic. Thank you, The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson.
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: That makes sense. If I can jump back to your first answer real quick: What about The Shark From That Katy Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago? Why’s he here? Also, why’s The Shark From Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life That Got Punched by Lara Croft here? They don’t seem like essential movie sharks.
The Shark From The Shallows: Oh … [laughs]. We just make them come because it’s funny. Wanna hear a wild thing? The Shark From That Katy Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago isn’t even a real actual shark. It’s a human inside of a shark costume.
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: WHAT?
The Shark From The Shallows: Yeah. For real. Watch … [hollers over at The Shark From That Katy Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago] Hey! Hey! Take your costume head off.
The Shark From That Katy Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago: Come on, man.
The Shark From Jaws: Do it or I’m gonna bite your fucking human legs off.
The Shark From That Katy Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago: [sighs heavily] You’re always talking about biting my legs off. Like, why is that your first move? Can’t you start with something smaller? [He removes his shark costume head to reveal his human head]
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: Oh my god.
The Shark From The Shallows: I KNOW, RIGHT? Nobody had any idea. We’d been inviting him to the meetings for, like, two years because we thought it’d be cool to have somebody who’d performed at the Super Bowl. It was The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson that pointed it out. She’s real smart. They gave her Reverse Alzheimer’s, I think.
The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson: [to herself, shaking her head] Nope.
The Shark From Sharknado That Got Chainsawed Out Of: Aye, can we get this thing started already? I have a busy day.
The Shark From The Shallows: Yeah, let’s do that. The Shark From The Reef, would you please refresh us on the last meeting so we know what’s on our agenda for today?
The Shark From The Reef: OK, in the last meeting we were supposed to talk about image rehabilitation, but mostly we ended up just talking about whether or not to bite off The Shark From That Katy Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago’s legs or not.
The Shark From That Katy Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago: [shakes his head]
The Shark From The Reef: The Shark From Jaws was in favor of the idea, as was The Shark From Shark Tale, which everyone thought was surprising.
The Shark From Shark Tale: I keep trying to tell you all that the soft-guy thing was just an act for the movie.
The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson: It’s just hard to look past, is all. I mean, you were pretending to be a dolphin. That’s heavy, bro. How are we all just supposed to forget that? Remember that movie from the ’80s where the white guy got dressed up in blackface so he could get into college?
The Shark From Open Water: I think it was called Blackface Man.
The Shark From Sharknado: It definitely was not called that.
The Shark From Jaws: Soul Man. It was Soul Man. A weird ironic bit of trivia for you: The guy who starred in that movie had a cameo in Michael Jackson’s "Black or White" video.
The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson, talking to The Shark From Shark Tale: Right. Whatever. Anyway, it was a big thing. Him dressing up like that, The Shark From Shark Tale, is a lot like you dressing up as a dolphin. Same thing.
The Shark From Shark Tale: It’s really not.
The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson: It’s just a hard thing for all of us to get past, is what I’m saying. Like, it’s a weird movie thing to have. You should have one more like mine. I’m the shark that ate Samuel L. Jackson. That’s a cool thing, you know what I’m saying?
The Shark From Shark Tale: Yeah, well, you’re also the shark that got killed by LL Cool J, so …
The Shark From The Reef: This is the same shit that happened in the last meeting. We keep getting off track. We’re supposed to be talking about image rehabilitation.
The Shark From The Shallows, talking to The Shark From 47 Meters Down: Right, right, right. Anyway, so you’ve got your movie coming out, The Shark From 47 Meters Down, and it looks great. It really does. But when we saw the trailer for it, we were all thinking about how it’s not going to do much to keep everyone from hating us more than they already do. So we were hoping to use this meeting today to figure out some ways to change the public perception of us. We’ve got it so bad. We’re probably the most despised and villainized of all the movie animals. So we’ve all just been thinking on how to change that. Like, maybe we do a romantic comedy for once? Something with … who’s good these days?
The Shark From The Reef: Kristen Wiig.
The Shark From The Shallows: YES. Maybe a remake of Sleepless in Seattle, except it’s Sharkless in Seattle? Or 10 Things I Ate About You, since we’re sharks and all?
The Shark From Jaws: The first thing should be legs. That should be the first thing I ate about you.
The Shark From Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life That Got Punched by Lara Croft: What if we do some sort of community service? Let’s move away from movies. Let’s do something meaningful. An outreach program or something like that. Maybe we could teach troubled kids how to read? That’d play well in the press.
The Shark From Sharknado: But does anyone here know how to read?
The Shark From The Shallows: No. We’re sharks.
The Shark From The Reef: Right, right. OK. How about this, and hear me out on it because it’s kind of a radical idea: What if we stop eating children? The humans seem to really not like it very much when we do that.
The Shark From Jaws: I would like to state for the record that I am firmly opposed to that idea. Eating children is kiiiiiind of my thing.
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: What about if you just ate some white women instead? That’s what I did, and what I prefer. It’s pretty close to eating children, I think.
The Shark From Jaws: I’ve tried it. White men, too. It wasn’t the same. There’s just something about biting into a 12-year-old that feels … right.
The Shark From Shark Tale: How about this: What if we actually eat, like, some minorities? Best I can tell, there’s little to no consequences there. I bet our Q rating would go up a bunch if all of a sudden we all just started eating Mexicans and black people and whatnot. Let’s do that. Let’s try that. We’d become superheroes.
The Shark From Jaws: Sorry. This is a stance I feel strongly about: I am Pro Eating Children, and I can’t see a scenario where I’m moved off that viewpoint. Besides, and I’m going to stay saying this, but the mother of that first kid that I ate was 100 percent not watching him. She was just lying on the beach. How can I possibly be held to blame for eating him?
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: You bring up a good point.
The Shark From That Katy Perry Performance at the Super Bowl a Few Years Ago, to himself: No, that’s super not a good point.
The Shark From The Shallows: Well, does anyone else have any other ideas?
The Shark From Jaws: What if we eat more children?
The Shark From Shark Tale: How is that possibly going to help?
The Shark From Jaws: I don’t know. Addition by subtraction?
The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson: Can we all talk for a second about how The Shark From Sharknado That Someone Chainsawed Out Of got chainsawed out of? Has that ever happened to a shark before? It was like a way gnarlier version of Pinocchio and the whale.
The Shark From Sharknado That Got Chainsawed Out Of: Dude.
The Shark From The Reef: I ate a Mexican once. Or, at least, I think it was a Mexican. I don’t know. It’s hard to say. How can you tell the difference?
The Shark From Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life That Got Punched by Lara Croft: Well, what did he look like?
The Shark From The Reef: Umm, I think he was medium-sized. Kind of hard. He had two doors and some wheels. There were definitely some seats, too. Glass, I think.
The Shark From The Shallows: I think you ate a car.
The Shark From Open Water: Yeah, that was for sure a car and not a Mexican.
The Shark From Deep Blue Sea That Ate Samuel L. Jackson: How much longer is this meeting going to be?
The Shark From Open Water: I don’t know. I think we’re almost done.
The Shark From The Shallows: No, we’re not. We still haven’t come up with any ways to rehabilitate our image.
The Shark From Jaws: I thought we all agreed that we were going to try to eat more children?
The Shark From The Shallows: Jesus Christ.
The Shark From The Reef: Why don’t we just try again next month?
The Shark From Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life That Got Punched by Lara Croft: Yeah.
The Shark From Sharknado: Congrats again on your movie, The Shark From 47 Meters Down.
The Shark From 47 Meters Down: Thank you.