Maybe you are like me, and you have grown weary of assassin movies generally and pretty-lady-is-secretly-a-dangerous-killer movies in particular. Maybe you, too, wish that Hollywood would chill out with its IP-driven franchises and, for heaven’s sake, stop rebooting films that aren’t even 15 years old yet.
But because you contain multitudes, perhaps you are also ready for Tomb Raider 2.0 (alternate titles: Tomb Raider: The New Brunette, Tomb Raider: It’s Not Colonialist Mysticism If the Mystical Magic Happens on a Made-Up Island, Tomb Raider: This Woman Can Seriously Sprint) to be a delightful exception to the rule. What I’m saying is: This shit looks awesome.
Against all reason, I am amped to watch Lara Croft—this time played by Alicia Vikander, who says “Croft” with the sort of fancy not-American-English ohh sound that makes you think of four-poster beds and roaring fires and long-serving butlers—once again (1) discovering things in her mansion, (2) setting off for parts unknown, (3) uncovering ancient, humanity-threatening secrets, (4) getting betrayed by some doofus (this time played by Walton Goggins, who leers and of course says “you shouldn’t have come here” in his approximately 1.3 seconds of trailer screen time), and (5) getting revenge so she can (6) save the world. Does it matter that we already know the beats? No. When it comes to Lara Croft, just play the hits.
And that’s exactly what Tomb Raider, out in March 2018, is doing. We’ve got the mysterious names: a villainous cohort called Trinity, a place named the Devil’s Sea, a tomb called “the Mother of Death.” And is there sprinting? Yes. Are there puzzles? Yes. Is there a spiky flying limbo stick of doom that Lara ducks under in slow motion? Hell yeah. IS THERE TOMB RAIDING? DAMN RIGHT THERE IS.
Tomb Raider might be the only franchise I’m willing to see rebooted. Reboot it as many times as you would like, Hollywood. Bury me with every reboot and then leave all the new reboots at the foot of my tombstone for the next 500 years. And if that initiates some kind of curse and causes me to be reanimated as a zombie, I will be A-OK with Lara Croft Version 75 hunting me down.
