On Monday night, MTV premiered a reality show called MTV Floribama Shore. As you can surmise, Floribama Shore is brought to you by the same geniuses who made Jersey Shore, and like that show, Floribama Shore is a gloriously trashy TV show about a group of strangers who move into a house together and spend a summer drinking, hooking up, and fighting. That all makes sense, and honestly it’s about time MTV rebooted Jersey Shore. But first, a question: What is Floribama?
Apparently—and a lot of people don’t know this—Floribama is the 51st state in the U.S. It is not part of Florida, nor is it part of Alabama; it is a place unto its own. There is no documentation as to when Floribama became a state, but trust me, it did. Information on Floribama, in general, has been notoriously scarce—for example, you didn’t know until just now that it’s a state. Thankfully, we now have this television show to explain the most overlooked state in the Union, its customs, its citizens, and its unique perspectives on bipartisan crunkery. I watched the premiere episode of Floribama Shore for education purposes only, and this is what I learned.
1. Floribama is a stretch of “beautiful” “land” that runs along the Gulf Coast from Alabama to Tallahassee.
2. Panama City Beach is the capital of Floribama. A place called Ms. Newby’s (locally known as “Newby’s”) in Panama City Beach is where the state’s laws are enacted, if by “state’s laws” you mean “shots of Fireball” and by “enacted” you mean “consumed in excess.”
3. According to a cast member, Floribama’s top exports are “booze, babes, and beaches.”
4. Floribama promotes inclusivity. “Everyone gets crunk together,” says Floribama Shore’s Aimee.
5. Unlike the Southern states it borders, Floribama shirks traditional familial values and as such acts as a judge-free haven for 23-year-old divorcées (Nilsa), homeschooled-but-super-buff weirdos (Jeremiah), and men with big hair who left home at 17 (Gus).
6. Floribama’s motto: “I’m single and ready to do me.” (Obvious rhymes are not Floribama’s thing.)
7. Floribama is a place where people go to: be single, find a wife, grow up, be young, better oneself, meet peers, assimilate into society, and … move on after your boyfriend of 10 years cheats on you with your cousin.
8. There is a man named Codi Butts on this show. Sorry, this is not a fact about Floribama; it just felt extremely worth mentioning.
9. Floribama’s state anthem is that DJ drop thing where a horn sounds several times.
10. The men of Floribama are in constant danger of losing their arms due to lack of blood flow.
11. The drink of choice of Floribamaians is simple, though controversial. It contains only two ingredients—Jose Cuervo tequila …
... and Glacier Freeze Gatorade.
12. You’re given much more advanced warning of things in Floribama. Whereas those from the Jersey Shore famously yelled, “Cabs are here!” those from Floribama announce genteelly, “Cabs in 10 minutes.”
13. Clark Kent may or may not reside in Floribama.
13. If people in Floribama drink too much tequila and Gatorade, people in Floribama urinate on bed frames.
15. “Candice don’t sleep on couches.” Again, not really a Floribama fact, but I wanted to write it down because it’d be the perfect thing to say if this was The Real Housewives of Floribama and each character got a little slogan in the opening credits.
16. Prayer is said before each meal in Floribama. It’s actually quite nice.
17. Real Housewives of Floribama slogan no. 2, from Nilsa: “I am just fake bitch, but I am real as hell when it comes to my personality.”
18. Floribamaians are generally distrusting of the systems of the federal government, as seen in Nilsa warmly receiving the news that Jeremiah was homeschooled because he “hasn’t been tainted” by government-funded public education.
19. Like Floridians, Floribamaians enjoy orange juice with their breakfast. Unlike Floridians, Floribamaians also enjoy Tito’s Vodka and Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey with their breakfast.
20. People of the Floribama Shore have not learned the lessons of those from the Jersey Shore, which is why Gus—apparently unaware of the tumultuous relationship of Ronnie and Sammi Sweetheart—asks Nilsa to go on an actual date in the premiere episode of Floribama Shore.
21. Toilets look like garbage cans in Floribama.
22. In Floribama, when men accidentally tie their ties so that the skinny part is longer than the fat part, they do not re-tie the tie—they simply use a pocket knife to cut the skinny part so that it is no longer showing.
23. Firefly is the nicest restaurant in Floribama (that allows MTV to film reality shows). According to Yelp, there is a tree in the middle of the establishment and the crème brûlée is fantastic.
24. Because Floribama is primarily coastal land, beachgoing is essential to the economy, and therefore the beach service industry is a highly viable source of employment. Beach service employees are not allowed to sit on jet skis, nor are they required to smile.
25. People eat corn on the cob, like, ALL THE TIME in Floribama. Like a weird amount; evidently more than any other food.
26. A Floribamaian axiom:
That’s it. That’s everything I learned about Floribama. It seems like a pretty interesting place, and I look forward to learning more about its people as these weeks go on. Ultimately, I am glad the United States chose to annex it.