How to Win ‘The Bachelor’: A Practical Guide
Somehow, after 23 seasons and some very clear patterns, the contestants of America’s greatest dating show do not know how to work the system. This is how.
I have a bone to pick.
There have been 23 seasons of The Bachelor, 14 seasons of The Bachelorette; 397 episodes of television altogether; roughly 34,142 minutes of footage. And yet, most men and women who go on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette act as if they’re the first people to ever experience it; that recurring tropes and story lines do not exist, that a formula hasn’t been repeating itself since 2002.
The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are competition shows. This isn’t even a unromantic reading either—it’s just a fact. Even if you’re a contestant joining the show to find love, the truth is that “finding love” and “winning the competition” are the same thing. To achieve the first thing requires excelling at the second thing. And it’s for this reason that I’ve grown increasingly frustrated watching Colton’s season of The Bachelor, because WHY HAS NO ONE WATCHED ANY GAME TAPE?
Imagine the Rams are playing the Patriots in the Super Bowl, and Rams coach Sean McVay goes into the game with absolutely no offensive adjustments to counter the Patriots’ defense. People would flip out and write articles about how Sean McVay is a big loser. (I know this because it happened earlier this month.) In McVay’s case, he allegedly did watch game tape and apparently just refused to draw any meaningful conclusions from it, but the point is that in sports, you’re expected to prepare rigorously for a competition, to study and draw conclusions from past competitions in order to hone strategy and put yourself in a position to win. And as we’ve already established, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are competitions, ones with hours of available game tape. So it’s just ludicrous that people entering into one of these competitions wouldn’t study past results, make critical takeaways, and come prepared with a full game plan.
But because that is clearly not happening—last week, Kirpa spent her only time with Colton questioning another woman’s intentions, a classic misstep—I’ve taken it upon myself to do the work. I watched the tape. And I put together a list of rules for surviving The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. The rules are ordered in terms of when they’re most likely to come into play in the competition, starting with the earliest, and some of them overlap in nature. Lauren S. from Knoxville, Tennessee (Game Tape Lesson no. 1: Laurens and women from SEC country always do well), you can thank me next year when you coast to victory.
Rule no. 1: Abandon gimmicks immediately.
On the first night, it’s perfectly fine to bring your grandma, or fake an accent, or even wear a shark costume that you insist is a dolphin costume. But gimmicks are restricted to the area between the limo you came in and the door of the mansion. Once you cross that threshold, the gimmick must end. Otherwise you become Shark Girl, and Shark Girl doesn’t make it past Week 5.
This most recent season had a really rough but pointed example of this axiom. Alex D. dressed as a sloth because Colton, a virgin, “likes to take things slow.” DO YOU GET IT? The gimmick itself was bad—not only was Alex stuck in a face-obscuring burlap sack of a costume, but she also taaaaaaaalked liiiiiiiiiiike thiiiiiiiiiis, which was extremely annoying and awkward—but Alex, an all-around normal-seeming person (minus the fact that she talked like Blake Lively in The Town), could have shaken it off had she not decided to literally become a sloth on the first night of filming. I mean, this girl was actually chilling in trees.
A good rule of thumb is to not climb the trees at the Bachelor mansion. No one wants that. But the larger point is: Don’t commit to a bit this hard; the Bachelor or Bachelorette will rightly assume you are a weirdo and send you home immediately.
Rule no. 2: Instead of talking about talking, just go talk.
A very amusing thing that happens every season, and practically every episode, is a man or woman will take initiative and quickly ask the Bachelor/ette, “Hey, can I steal you for a second?” and then the rest of the contestants will react as though that person committed a war crime. “Oh dayum, so it’s really on tonight,” a contestant will say, while everyone else nods. But, um, yes? Of course it’s really on tonight. This is The Bachelor; you are one of 29 women dating the same man. Often, the men and women who take charge are painted as villains, but they’re actually just people with good time-management skills.
The person who takes the initiative will always be in better shape than the person who complains about another person taking initiative. Take for example this season, when Demi took initiative and Tracy opted to cry about it on a bedroom floor. Or this season, when Demi took initiative and Courtney opted to confront her about how she took initiative. In both cases, Tracy and Courtney went home, while Demi stayed. (Demi is an evil genius who maybe played The Bachelor game better than anyone ever has, except for one major slipup, which we’ll get to later.) If awkwardly, emphatically demanding attention isn’t your cup of tea—which, how could it not be, seeing as you voluntarily chose to go on a nationally televised dating show—then you are not cut out for The Bachelor.
Rule no. 3: When you see him on a date, sprint toward him and wrap your legs around him posthaste.
Observe:
Observe:
Observe:
Seriously, if you’re not doing this, you are not in it to win it. It buys you at least a week. Please note that this mostly applies to The Bachelor. I am not advising men to tackle a woman. Also please note that in the last episode, Cassie completed the first part of the “sprint and wrap” maneuver, but not the second part:
She is obviously going to lose.
Rule no. 4: Avoid ultimatums.
This going to sound rude, but I’m not the one who invented a dating show in which people with unfortunate dating lives are ruthlessly eliminated one by one, so don’t shoot the messenger: As a contestant, you are not in control. You are at the mercy of the whims of the Bachelor or Bachelorette. As such, it is never a good idea to try to set terms of engagement yourself. Take, for example, Elyse, who in Week 5 this season pulled Colton aside and was basically like, “OK, Colty, how about you and me run away and forgot about this whole show and all these other girls.” Here’s how Colton responded:
Presumably, he was burying his head in his hands because it would’ve been uncouth to say “Ummmm, you know I have a contract, right? And you know this has literally never happened in 22 seasons of The Bachelor, yes?”
These are the rules, dude: You and a bunch of men or women compete for the affection of one woman or man, and they get to eliminate people until they have the person they want. There is no wiggle room there. This is not Summer Catch, and Freddie Prinze Jr. is not leaving his no-hitter to stop you from getting on a plane to … Colorado, I wanna say? It’s been awhile since I saw Summer Catch.
Rule no. 5: Have a malleable sense of self.
This one is also pretty rude, I’m sorry. But strong personalities don’t often make it far on these shows. Here is a list of some recent winners, along with their defining qualities:
- Lauren Burnham (technically): had blonde hair
- Garrett Yrigoyen: was secretly super racist (and also, honestly, maybe just didn’t understand how memes work?) but on the show mostly showed an affinity for water mammals
- Jordan Rodgers: is Aaron Rodgers’s brother
The Bachelor or Bachelorette isn’t really looking to be changed and isn’t really interested in learning new perspectives—they want someone who conforms to their worldview. People like Andi Dorfman, Rachel Lindsay, Blake Horstmann, and Corinne Olympios made it far in their respective seasons but ultimately came up short because they were humans with hard-line emotions and opinions. This season, Sydney went home because she was like, “Hey, I think I deserve more than this” and Colton neither argued with nor catered to that demand.
This is just the way it goes, though it’s worth noting that people who don’t follow this rule often go very far in Bachelor Nation, either becoming the next Bachelor or Bachelorette or flourishing on Bachelor in Paradise.
Rule no. 6: Don’t have opinions about anyone, ever.
If you don’t like someone, keep it to your dang self. The producers are not your friends; they are dying for any information that could even mildly be turned into drama. Other contestants also aren’t your friends, and they too are dying for information that could even mildly be used against you. The second David—otherwise known as the Chicken Guy—took a disliking to Jordan on Becca’s season; he put himself on a path toward a loser-goes-home two-on-one date. This also happened to Taylor in Nick’s season, when she took it upon herself to hate Corinne, which led to this treacherous two-on-one:
Taylor was subsequently dumped and left to perish in the swamps of Louisiana. (She survived, I think.)
The trick is to not let anyone know what you’re feeling or thinking. Information is power on The Bachelor, and you lose all the control the second you show your hand.
Rule no. 7: Be completely nonconfrontational.
This goes hand in hand with rule no. 6, but it’s a biggie. You really can’t get into a fight. Getting into a fight might help you survive the first couple of weeks, but as the season goes on, it becomes more and more disastrous to your chances. There are plenty of examples from this season: Kirpa got into a fight with Cassie and got sent home; Courtney and Tracy got into fights with Demi, and both got sent home; Onyeka and Nicole got into a fight with each other, and both of them got sent home. Meanwhile, look at the winners of past seasons, people like Garrett, Jordan, Lauren B., and Bryan, who avoided their season’s major arguments and nonchalantly coasted to victory while others went down in flames.
I know the producers of The Bachelor have spent 23 seasons honing their ability to make people fight with each other, but you gotta rise above it.
Rule no. 8: If you are going to start a confrontation, make sure the Bachelor/ette likes you more than the other person.
It’s pretty simple: By starting a confrontation, you’re naturally presenting the Bachelor/ette with a “me or them” decision, because no one on this show admits fault, and exonerative evidence, by nature, does not exist (because if it did, the show’s producers would have no gray area from which to mine drama). Kirpa learned this the hard way when she—as many other contestants have erroneously done before her—came to Colton with a claim that Cassie wasn’t there “for the right reasons.” Cassie, of course, retorted that she was, in fact, there for the right reasons. And so Colton had no choice but to decide whose statement he trusted more. Kirpa lost, and Cassie got to pop champagne on the (disconcertedly slanted) roof of Denver’s Union Station.
Rule no. 9: Never veer toward negativity.
Garrett Yrigoyen was the master of this on Becca’s season. Despite his penchant for liking Alex Jones–level memes on Instagram, each of his dates with Becca throughout her season were a beacon of good vibes. He was unflinchingly upbeat, refreshingly secure, and utterly devoted to having a good time. Any time a conversation would become too much of a downer, he’d do this:
Contrast that with Colton needing to explain away his previous fling with one of Becca’s friends, or Blake constantly expressing his fears of losing Becca, and it’s not really hard to see why she picked Garrett. You only have so much time with the Bachelor/ette—it can’t be devoted to bringing down other people or dredging up unhappy thoughts of any kind. Because then you’re the downer, and the Bachelor/ette never chooses the downer.
If you think this is too harsh, well guess what, that’s way too negative of a thought for me, and I’ve just eliminated you from this hypothetical season of The Bachelor.
Rule no. 10: Understand the terminology.
Listen to me, OK? Really listen to me. There are levels to expression on The Bachelor, and you cannot skip any of them. Here is how it goes:
- Level 1: “You’re super hot and I’m attracted to you.” (Various iterations of this sentiment are acceptable.)
- Level 2: “I feel myself starting to get feelings for you.”
- Level 3: “I can see myself falling in love with you.”
- Level 4: “I’m falling in love with you.”
- Level 5: “I’m in love with you.”
- Level 6: “I love you.”
All of the above is nonnegotiable. This is the way it goes. You cannot be in love on The Bachelor without first announcing that you can envision yourself being in love. Any break from protocol here is an instant disqualification.
But even if you follow the order of these steps, it’s still important to know when to deploy these declarations. Wait too long and the Bachelor/ette will begin to doubt that you’re there for the right reasons. This is currently happening on Colton’s season, as he desperately wants Cassie to tell him that she’s falling in love but the most she’s willing to say is “I’m really excited to see, like, where everything can go,” which is some weak semantic nonsense. But if you pull the trigger too soon, it will prompt the Bachelor/ette to realize that, actually, they don’t like you very much. This is where the evil genius Demi erred—she jumped to Level 4 with reckless abandon and Colton was like, “I ... dunno if I’m ready to marry you and meet your convict mother.” I really think that if Demi hadn’t done this she would’ve been able to trick all of the other girls into self-destructing. Even LeBron James makes a mistake once in a while, I guess.
So there are the rules to surviving The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I hope you read them, because I never want to see another person in a sloth costume for an extended period of time. But please remember that this competition is ever evolving, and that these maxims will not hold forever. It’s important to stay up to date on the game tape if you want to be the best at convincing people to pick you as a husband or wife on a nationally televised reality show.