INT.—AN ABANDONED TOYS “R” US—NIGHT
Eight famous killer movie toys are gathered together inside of a shuttered and abandoned Toys “R” Us in suburban Santa Monica, California. Some of them are talking to one another, a couple of them are picking at snacks on a small table pushed up against a wall, and others sit there quietly. CHUCKY FROM CHILD’S PLAY walks in, takes stock of the room, then speaks loud enough so that everyone can hear him.
CHUCKY: Good evening, everyone. I’m so glad you all could make it out here tonight for our monthly meetup. This is gonna be an important one. Because we’re all going to be brainstorming ideas on ways to st—
ANNABELLE FROM ANNABELLE: Excuse me. Hi. Sorry to interrupt. This is actually my first official time attending this meeting. I’ve heard about it before. And I’ve gotten the invitations that you all have sent to my office—which, you know, thank you for that. I was hoping to get a quick rundown of what exactly this is.
THE CLOWN FROM POLTERGEIST: Of course, of course. And we’re so happy you’re here, Annabelle. Once a month, several of us famous killer movie toys gather together for … I guess it’s kind of a state of the union for us.
SLAPPY FROM GOOSEBUMPS: [looking at BABY OOPSY DAISY FROM DEMONIC TOYS] Some more famous than others.
BABY OOPSY DAISY: [to SLAPPY] Don’t start.
THE CLOWN: Anyway, we talk about various things. Sometimes it’s serious stuff, like not that long ago we had a meeting to go over the transition you have to make when you go from being a movie star killer toy to just being a regular killer toy after your movie has come and gone. Sometimes it’s boring stuff, like we recently had a meeting about switching health care providers. It’s all kinds of different stuff, really.
SLAPPY: You know what we never talk enough about?
THE CLOWN: What’s that?
SLAPPY: We never talk enough about Baby Oopsy Daisy’s shitting himself.
BABY OOPSY DAISY: I fucking knew you were gonna say that.
SLAPPY: I mean, it’s your catchphrase. It’s your most famous line from your movie. You could’ve gone with so many other things. Literally anything else. And yet, that’s what you settled on.
BABY OOPSY DAISY: I’M! A! BABY! YOU! FUCKING! IDIOT! THAT’S WHAT BABIES DO!
SLAPPY: I mean, you’re also a talking demon thing, so … I don’t think you can play the “That’s what babies do” card here.
THE CLOWN: [to SLAPPY and BABY OOPSY DAISY] Stop. That’s enough. [to ANNABELLE] We’re getting down the road a bit here, Annabelle. I’m sorry. But yes, that’s what these meetings are. They’re just a chance for us all to catch up and talk about things that affect the KMT community.
ANNABELLE: KMT?
CHUCKY: Killer movie toys.
ANNABELLE: Got it.
CHUCKY: Great. And we’re actually all here today to talk about a big movie coming out this weekend featuring some toys in it.
[All of the toys clap and holler and cheer for CHUCKY, whose new movie, Child’s Play, is opening wide on Friday. CHUCKY smiles and waves his tiny hand to everyone.]
CHUCKY: Thanks, thanks. But I’m not talking about my new movie. I’m talking about one way worse, with some toys that, quite frankly, I’m so extremely sick of.
THE CLOWN: Oh no. I’d totally forgotten.
CHUCKY: Toy Story 4.
[All of the toys begin to boo and cuss.]
SLAPPY: [to BABY OOPSY DAISY] Now would be a good time to shit yourself, honestly.
BABY OOPSY DAISY: I hate you so much. I hope Jack Black puts you in a goddamn woodchipper in whatever your next movie is.
SLAPPY: [pointing his finger at BABY OOPSY DAISY] That’s big talk from a little baby.
BABY OOPSY DAISY: Boy, if you put your finger in my face again I will bitch-slappy you across the room.
SLAPPY: …
BABY OOPSY DAISY: …
SLAPPY: …
BABY OOPSY DAISY: …
SLAPPY: That was actually pretty good.
BABY OOPSY DAISY: Thank you. I thought of it, like, two weeks ago.
CHUCKY: Can we just take attendance please so we can officially get this thing started?
THE CLOWN: I don’t think we need to do that. It looks like everyone’s here. We have you, me, Blade from Puppetmaster, Annabelle from Annabelle, Baby Oopsy Daisy from Demonic Toys, Slappy from Goosebumps, Dolly from Dolly Dearest, and Chip Hazard from Small Soldiers.
CHIP HAZARD: I still kind of don’t know why y’all invite me to this thing. It seems pretty clear that you all and I are different kinds of movie toys.
CHUCKY: Don’t run from this, Chip. You’re a toy in a movie and you try to kill things, not the least of which is a child. Same as me.
CHIP HAZARD: It’s different. I’m at war.
DOLLY: We all are, Chip. We all are.
THE CLOWN: Relax, Dolly.
THE CLOWN: Also, we like your haircut, Chip. That’s another reason you’re here. Mostly it’s you trying to kill that kid, though.
ANNABELLE: OK, I have two quick questions. First, there are eight killer movie toys. Where are all the rest? Where are the dolls from Tales From the Hood? Or what about Dollman? Or what about Brahms in The Boy? Or what about the toys from Krampus? Or what ab—
BLADE: Oh, man. Adam Scott is so good in Krampus. I can’t believe they got him to be in that.
DOLLY: Adam Scott is so good in literally everything he does. I still laugh when I think about him as Derek in Step Brothers.
BLADE: Did you see him in The Good Place?! When he played the demon?! I love him. I love him so much. Our next meeting should be us talking about Adam Scott being great in things. We can watch all of his seasons on Parks and Rec.
CHUCKY: [to DOLLY and BLADE] No. We’re not going to do that at all. [to ANNABELLE] Annabelle, to answer your question, we don’t invite everyone. We only invite the most famous or most iconic KMTs.
ANNABELLE: OK … but … and I don’t mean any offense by this, and this is actually my second question, but Brahms is definitely more famous than Dolly. So why is she here?
DOLLY: What the fuck, Annabelle?
CHUCKY: You’re right. He is. Dolly is here because … OK, listen. This is going to sound weird, but Dolly is here because in her movie she killed the woman who killed Selena in Selena.
THE CLOWN: Wait. For real?
DOLLY: That’s true. I did. Her name in real life is Lupe Ontiveros. She played a housekeeper in Dolly Dearest. I made her fall down some stairs, stabbed her in the shoulder, then electrocuted her. She’s also the nanny in Goonies, by the way. But I didn’t kill her in that. I just watched her in that. Oh, and she played a maid in Universal Soldier. And a housekeeper in As Good As It Gets.
CHUCKY: Wow, I hadn’t realized that. Man, they really typecast her.
BLADE: They did. It’s like me. They see me, they see my knife, and the casting directors are like, “Oh. I got it. You should play a killer toy.” With Lupe, casting directors saw her brown skin and heard her accent and were like, “Bingo. Housekeeper.”
CHUCKY: Hollywood makes me sick sometimes. Anyway, Annabelle, that’s why Dolly is here. Any KMT responsible for killing the woman who killed Selena gets an automatic invite. That’s all there is to it. So she’s in. And we’ve actually been trying to get Brahms to come to one of the meetings since 2016. He doesn’t really like to leave the house.
ANNABELLE: That makes sense.
CHIP HAZARD: Didn’t you say something about Toy Story 4, Chucky? Can we get to that already?
CHUCKY: I did. Can you believe that, of all the weekends out of the year, those fucks decided to put their movie out the same weekend that mine comes out? There’s no way that’s an accident.
THE CLOWN: I’ve never liked them. Any of them. I was actually out at a bar with a lady friend of mine in the early 2000s—this was a year or a few months or whatever after Toy Story 2 had come out. I looked over and who do I see? Buzz Lightyear is drinking tequila shots out of the cleavage of one of the waitresses. He’s bombed out of his mind. I walk over and I introduce myself to him like, “Hey, man. What’s up? I’m the clown from Poltergeist.” And Buzz looks at me, and I swear this is true, he says, “Out of the way, Clown Boy,” and then wanders over to where I was sitting and starts talking to the woman I was with. He starts saying something about taking her to infinity and beyond, and I lost it. I clocked him across the side of his head with a bottle.
DOLLY: You hit Buzz Lightyear in the head with a bottle?!
THE CLOWN: Well, technically no. He swooped his space helmet on real quick and the bottle smashed across that instead of his head, but the point remains: He’s a dick. They all are.
CHIP HAZARD: That’s some story. But can we let Chucky get to why we’re here. He mentioned Toy Story 4, but surely we’re not just here to talk shit about Buzz or any of the other people in it.
CHUCKY: I … well … basically yes we are. I just wanted to say that it was a real dick move of them to do that. Our movies are clearly so much better than the ones that the GMTs put out.
ANNABELLE: GMTs?
THE CLOWN: Gentle movie toys.
CHUCKY: The only interesting character in any of the Toy Story movies was Sid. And maybe Lotso, what with him being OK with slavery and all.
BABY OOPSY DAISY: And the baby from the third one. He was great.
THE CLOWN: Can I tell you all something?
BLADE: Please do.
THE CLOWN: I cried at the end of Toy Story 3. It really got me.
BLADE: Me too! The incinerator scene when they all decided to die together or when Andy gave the toys away?
THE CLOWN: Both.
BLADE: Me too!
CHUCKY: Please gather yourselves. You’re spinning this conversation out of control.
CHIP HAZARD: Talking down on the Toy Story movies seems like a flimsy reason to call a meeting.
CHUCKY: No, what’s flimsy is choosing to tie that one kid up in your movie after he tried to strip you of your leadership.
CHIP HAZARD: Hold on. Aren’t you the guy who got trapped in a fireplace and set on fire by a 6-year-old?
THE CLOWN: Alright, boys. That’s plenty. Calm down.
SLAPPY: It has to be said: Both of those things sound better than bragging about shitting yourself.
BABY OOPSY DAISY: You motherfucker.
