The much-anticipated trailer for Tom Hooper’s Cats dropped today, and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t understand anything that’s happening, I wish I’d never seen it, and I’ve now watched it approximately 35 times. Here, check it out for yourself, or don’t (don’t):
None of it makes sense, and I have a lot of questions. (Disclaimer: I have never seen the musical Cats, nor do I know anything about its plot.)
1. What fresh hell is this?
2. So clearly this is a town for cats, created by cats—hence the Milk Bar. But what kind of milk are they drinking?
3. Cow milk? Do cows exist in this world? How would cats, which weigh eight to 10 pounds on average, be able to domesticate cows, which weigh—[Googles]—roughly 1,600 pounds? Or … uh … are they drinking cat milk?
4. If they’re drinking cat milk, why would they need a bar for that? Isn’t that kind of fucked up?
5. What the FUCK?
6. What did Judi Dench do to deserve this?
7. Can we take away her Oscar for this?
8. Why does her face look like skin, while the first cat’s face is covered in fur?
9. Why is she wearing a fur coat, if she has natural fur all over her body?
10. Is Cat Judi Dench losing her fur, hence the need for the extra coat?
11. Why isn’t this cat wearing clothes?
12. Are clothes optional in this world?
13. Is this cat just exceptionally body-positive?
14. Are there cat nudists?
15. Does Jason Derulo know he’s in this movie, or does he think it’s an elaborate music video?
16. Will Jason Derulo sing his own name, in classic Jason Derulo style?
17. Does Jason Derulo’s cat have a fur vest on, or is that part of his own body?
18. Is James Corden doing Danny DeVito as the Penguin in Batman Returns … as a cat?
19. Are we prepared for the new levels of annoying that James Corden will reach on the Cats promo circuit? (No.)
20. Does Judi Dench know what she looks like this in this movie?
21. Again, what the FUCK???
22. Is Jason Derulo kind of hot as a cat? Just me? OK.
23. On that topic, why is Idris Elba not hot as a cat?
24. Why does this remind me of a still from The Dark Tower, just with ears and whiskers?
25. Again, why would you put Idris Elba in something and actively make him not hot?
26. Why is Jennifer Hudson’s cat so decked out in clothes? She’s not losing her fur, so that answer goes out the window.
27. When Jennifer Hudson agreed to be in this movie, was she aware that they would spend no more than 30 seconds using FaceApp to just paste her face onto a creepy cat body?
28. Is it time for Ian McKellan to retire?
29. Or was it time for Ian McKellan to retire 10 years ago?
30. Was it written into Taylor Swift’s contract that she had to be a hot cat, and not a creepy cat?
31. Has Taylor Swift showed this footage to her cats and asked for their opinions? (Definitely, yes.)
32. What is this bejeweled catnip container?
33. Is it drugs?
34. Is this a clip of Taylor Swift lying naked on a golden moon, sprinkling drugs onto the crowd below her, in the trailer for a family film?
35. Is Taylor Swift good again?
36. Why do none of the proportions in this picture make sense?
37. If some of this world is cat-sized, and other parts are human-sized, do the cats just run an underground industry below the human’s noses?
38. Are there humans in this world?
39. Do they wonder why their cats are wearing clothes?
40. If that’s a mouse trap, how HORRIFIC would those mice look?
41. Should we actually be grateful to Tom Hooper for not including any CGI mice in this movie?
42. If this is a clip of Jennifer Hudson singing “Memories,” can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that James Corden has the exact expression of anyone who has ever been forced to listen to someone sing “Memories” at a karaoke bar?
43. Has James Corden ever sung “Memories” at a karaoke bar?
44. Why does James Corden’s cat look like the Cat in the Hat?
45. And why does this other cat in a hat look so very wrong?
46. Is it too late to redesign all of these characters and make them way less creepy, like they’re doing with Sonic?
47. Who is this weirdly sexual cat in overalls?
48. How many new furries will be born while watching this movie?
49. Should we just shut down the internet now, before things take a turn for the worse?
50. Are these leopards?
51. How do cat breeds work in this universe?
52. Are all cats the same size regardless of breed?
53. Why do the cats have fingers?
54. I don’t understand the anatomy of these creatures at all. Why the tails, if they have human body parts and therefore don’t need a tail to balance?
55. Where are their genitals? How do they reproduce? (Actually, never mind—nobody answer that.)
56. What series of bad decisions throughout my life led me to this place, where I’m forced to think extensively about this subject?
57. Will I ever know peace? (No.)
58. Has God abandoned me? (Yes.)
59. Why they gotta do Idris like this? Is nothing SACRED?
60. How does Taylor Swift come out of this looking less embarrassing than 99 percent of all participants? Is it because she was already embarrassing to begin with?
61. Jason Derulo definitely thinks this is a music video.
62. Who made this lion sculpture? Is this a human creation or a cat one?
63. If it’s a cat creation, do they consider the lion to be like a person? Or a god?
64. Like, instead of just building a sculpture of a random lion, is this one an important figure in their history? Is this lion the king of Cat Land? Is he the president? What kind of government are we working with here?
65. If the buildings are called things like Royal Claws Hotel and Grand Feral Hotel, clearly the buildings were built by cats. So why is the furniture still so big? Can’t they just build all the furniture to fit their size?
66. What does this shot remind me of?
Oh, that’s what. Tom Hooper, never change.
