What Kind of Alien Textures Will Diego Luna Get to Touch in ‘Andor’?
“The texture of Jabba is something I need to discover,” Diego Luna said in 2016 while promoting ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.’ Ahead of ‘Andor,’ it’s time to ponder what other creatures Cassian might get to caress throughout the prequel series.
Doraphilia (n.): Sexual arousal and fetishistic fondness for the smell and feel of animal skin, fur, and leather.
With some notable exceptions (see: Don’t Worry Darling), press tours can be pretty mundane affairs, especially when the project being promoted is from a major franchise that requires actors to be tight-lipped about every possible detail. That certainly was the case for Rogue One, the Star Wars anthology film following Rebel spies who captured the plans for the Death Star, setting up the plot for A New Hope. But amid all the Star Wars secrecy, Diego Luna, the 42-year-old actor who played the Rebel captain Cassian Andor, generated headlines on the Rogue One press tour with a bizarre admission: He was really into Jabba the Hutt. And by that, I mean it appeared that Luna had a borderline erotic obsession with the character.
For instance: When asked a hypothetical about whether he would prefer to French-kiss Jabba or punch an Ewok in the face, Luna wanted to know what, exactly, a French kiss entailed. Then, after learning it involves tongue, my man didn’t hesitate: He’d take the kiss with Jabba. “He’s an amazing character, c’mon!” Luna said, as if that justifies a desire to make out with a giant space slug. (I think the General Grievous character design is cool; I don’t want to go on a honeymoon to Naboo with him.)
A common thread of Luna’s Jabba-centric answers was a fascination with the character’s skin. “The texture of Jabba is something I need to discover,” he said in another interview with a hint of desperation in his voice. Luna has since tried to downplay his fixation—the internet has the receipts, Diego!—but with the Rogue One prequel series Andor arriving on Wednesday, the Jabba discourse has gained a second wind. I have already theorized that Luna only agreed to star in Andor because it could provide him an opportunity for his character to cross paths, and ideally touch, the infamous Jabba. (I also wrote a little bit of Andor-Jabba fan fiction that nearly led to my dismissal at The Ringer.)
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For his part, Luna has been coy about whether Andor will meet Jabba on the series—such is the power of Star Wars media training—though he did tell Uproxx that his character shouldn’t be blamed for the personal “curiosity” he has over the creature. But we are not here to kink-shame Luna for his Jabba-related fantasies. It’s harmless, hilarious, and oddly endearing. Instead, we want to support the actor in his unconventional interests. Given that Luna seems particularly infatuated with Jabba’s skin, I’m going to assume he is more broadly aroused by unusual textures. Thankfully for Luna, the Star Wars universe is filled with strange and exotic creatures, offering plenty of opportunities for Cassian to touch something that may scratch the same Jabba itch.
In that spirit, I’ve put together a list of Star Wars creatures with intriguing textures for Cassian to run his fingers through. Some may be similar to Jabba, others more analogous to furry mammals or scaly reptiles here on Earth. Since physical contact is essential, I’ve limited the pool of creatures to those that have appeared in live-action projects, giving us a better reference point for how they might look and feel. Without further ado, here are eight candidates for Luna to get his freak on in a galaxy far, far away.
Bor Gullet
What is the creature’s background?
It’s only fitting to start with an alien that appeared in Rogue One, albeit one that never shared the screen with Cassian. After Clone War veteran Saw Gerrera apprehends Bodhi Rook, an Imperial pilot who defects from the Empire, he is taken to Bor Gullet, a ghastly creature with the ability to read a person’s thoughts. It’s Saw’s way of ensuring that Bodhi is telling the truth, though he warns that an encounter with Bor Gullet can cause someone to lose their mind. (Not ideal!) It’s unclear how Saw first got hold of Bur Gullet, but the creature’s mind-reading powers must be a handy resource in the world of galactic espionage.
Would Diego Luna be into this?
Bor Gullet has a minor appearance in Rogue One, but it (he?) sure makes a memorable impression. Approaching a restrained Bodhi, Bor Gullet wraps its tentacles around his body before latching onto his temple. (You can’t read a mind without going straight to the source, I guess.) The whole sequence is horrifying, yet I’m inclined to believe Luna would like a taste of the Bor Gullet experience. In fact, he might even look at Bodhi’s ordeal with envy.
To us, Bor Gullet is like if a giant octopus was running a CIA black site; for Luna, perhaps it would deliver a slimy texture in the vein of his beloved Jabba. (The only snag is that Bor Gullet was mostly CGI; ideally, if the creature returned in Andor it would include the use of practical effects.) In Luna’s heart, there’s no replacing Jabba, but Bor Gullet could be the next best thing.
Prediction: Diego Luna would like to touch Bor Gullet.
A Kaminoan
What is the creature’s background?
Responsible for creating the Clone Army that Chancellor Palpatine would use to overthrow the Jedi, the Kaminoans aren’t necessarily nefarious as much as they are ambivalent to galactic conflicts. (They are, first and foremost, scientists.) In person, they appear elegant and restrained: When Obi-Wan Kenobi meets with the Kaminoans in Attack of the Clones, they all speak in a soothing voice that wouldn’t seem out of place on an ASMR YouTube channel. Unfortunately, as seen in the animated Star Wars series The Bad Batch, the Empire destroys all the cloning facilities on Kamino, leaving their planet in ruin.
Would Diego Luna be into this?
For Cassian, meeting a Kaminoan would be an interesting narrative proposition: How would a man dedicated to destroying the Empire feel about the species that helped the Emperor rise to power? (My guess: He wouldn’t be thrilled no matter how calming their voices are.) But Luna could be more receptive to the Kaminoans. The character design is alluring, inspired by the aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. (Again, the Kaminoans were entirely CGI in Attack of the Clones, but I’m sure we can find another practical effects workaround.)
More importantly, the Kaminoans probably have a really lovely texture. If they figured out how to clone at a mass scale, imagine what they can do with moisturizing creams. In my headcanon, to touch a Kaminoan would be like rubbing a surface lathered in shea butter.
Prediction: Diego Luna would like to touch a Kaminoan, as would I.
A Wookiee
What is the creature’s background?
A species that needs no introduction. Ever since Chewbacca first showed up in A New Hope, Wookiees hold a special place in the hearts of Star Wars fans. While you wouldn’t want to piss off a Wookiee—they’re known to rip arms out of their sockets—they otherwise seem like the closest thing Star Wars has to man’s best friend. The growling and purring they use to communicate is especially wholesome, whether it’s Chewie chatting up his bestie Han Solo or a woman putting on a Chewbacca mask in her car.
Would Diego Luna be into this?
As someone who once starred in a steamy PETA ad promoting the importance of spaying and neutering cats and dogs, it wouldn’t be surprising if Luna was a big fan of Wookiees. Stroking their fur should elicit the same joy as cuddling up with a pet—as long as you’re willing to overlook the fact that there’s a giant man underneath the Wookiee costume. (The late Peter Mayhew was over 7 feet tall.)
But while nobody in their right mind would deny themselves a Wookiee snuggle session, I can’t see Luna campaigning for Cassian to experience one. His Jabba obsession hinges on the unknown: the unpredictable variable that is the crime lord’s slug-like skin, and just how icky it could be. Wookiees, conversely, are a known commodity in the Star Wars universe, and something tells me Luna is after something unconventional.
Prediction: Diego Luna wouldn’t be opposed to touching a Wookiee, but it’s not at the top of his wishlist.
A Varactyl
What is the creature’s background?
Having owned turtles, an iguana, and a Burmese python as a kid, I’d like to think I’ve earned my stripes as a certified reptile lover. It’s also why I’m especially fond of Varactyls, a giant lizard-like species native to the planet Utapau. One Varactyl in particular, Boga, was an adorable addition to Revenge of the Sith, helping Obi-Wan pursue General Grievous across the planet. Among the many casualties of Palpatine executing Order 66, one of the most devastating was the Clone Army shooting down Obi-Wan, and by extension, poor Boga. She was too good for this world.
Would Diego Luna be into this?
Here’s another case of a CGI creature that would need to be brought to life with the magic of practical effects for Luna to touch it, but that should be relatively manageable when Varactyls are essentially huge iguanas. (See also: all the great practical dinos in the Jurassic Park franchise, which have a similar-looking texture.) I can personally attest to the joys of handling a scaly reptile, and if Luna is seeking a physical sensation that feels both primal and prehistoric, he could form a bond with a Varactyl in no time.
Prediction: Diego Luna would like to touch, and potentially ride, a Varactyl.
A Tauntaun
What is the creature’s background?
There are few species capable of surviving the freezing conditions of Hoth, which made the Tauntauns a valuable asset for the Rebels on the ice planet. Having domesticated some of the creatures, riding Tauntauns was the best way for Rebels to navigate the wintry terrain, though even the animals couldn’t handle Hoth’s brutal nighttime conditions. (Hence Han Solo’s Tauntaun perishing before its blubbery insides were used to insulate him and Luke Skywalker from Hoth’s sub-zero temperatures in The Empire Strikes Back.)
Would Diego Luna be into this?
Aside from looking like a cross between a mountain goat and an alpaca, the most defining characteristic of Tauntauns is their apparently pungent odor. Now, riding a stinky animal wouldn’t be most people’s idea of a fun time, but we have to consider Luna’s own [clears throat] unique priorities. He is a self-professed Jabba fan, after all, and I’m willing to bet my life savings that the Hutt smelled terrible. One man’s putrid space alpaca is another man named Diego Luna’s idea of a good time. The Tauntauns’ dense fur coat is just the icing on the cake.
Prediction: Diego Luna would like to touch and ride a Tauntaun.
Dex From Dex’s Diner
What is the creature’s background?
George Lucas had many key collaborators along the way, but to state the obvious for a moment: Star Wars wouldn’t be Star Wars without him. Lucas is the creative force behind so many iconic characters, planets, and an entire mythos of badass warrior monks. In doing so, Lucas has touched the lives of countless fans who have been swept up in his galaxy and the compelling conflicts within it. He also … chose to put a ‘50s diner in the middle of space run by someone named Dexter Jettster, who looks like this:
Would Diego Luna be into this?
First, let’s tackle this from a narrative perspective: Would Cassian ever require the services of Dex? I’m not talking about his food—though I’d love to find some Yelp reviews from Dex’s Diner—but the fact that Dex is an old pal of Obi-Wan who helped him track down the planet Kamino in Attack of the Clones. If Dex could help out a Jedi friend, why not assist the Rebel Alliance? It seems plausible! OK, moving on to the more important matter: Would Luna want to touch Dex? Considering what he does all day, Dex probably smells like a typical Denny’s and has skin greasier than a helping of hashbrowns. In my opinion, that makes Dex a working-class version of Jabba: oily, smelly, and downright weird.
Prediction: Diego Luna would like to touch Dexter Jettster and sample some of his diner food.
A Mon Calamari
What is the creature’s background?
Aside from humans, the species most associated with the Rebel Alliance is arguably the Mon Calamari. With characters like Admiral Ackbar—he of the immortal warning in Return of the Jedi—the Mon Calamari have made an indelible impact in the franchise from a storytelling perspective. Throw in their amphibious qualities, brought to life with practical effects, and these are some of the most iconic creatures in Star Wars. Best of all, these bad bitches know how to strike a pose:
Would Diego Luna be into this?
It’s almost too perfect. The Mon Calamari are an integral part of the Rebel Alliance, so it would be more shocking if Cassian never shared a screen with one of them in Andor. Onto their texture: If the Mon Calamari had easy access to the water on their home planet, Mon Cala, they would surely be smooth and slippery to the touch like a sea cucumber. Conversely, in the far reaches of space, I have to assume their skin is a bit more dry and coarse. (Did Admiral Ackbar use moisturizing creams, or were they just an overpriced trap?) In any case, Luna shouldn’t knock it until he tries it—and by “it” I mean getting his hands on the type of Calamari you can’t find here on Earth.
Prediction: Diego Luna would like to touch the Mon Calamari.
A Hutt (Obviously)
What is the creature’s background?
Not that Diego Luna would need a refresher on his beloved Hutts, but this slug-like species has achieved galaxy-spanning notoriety for its vast criminal organizations. The most infamous of all the Hutts is Jabba, who presided over his seedy empire from his palace on Tatooine. Jabba’s fatal error was refusing to hand over Han Solo, frozen in carbonite, to Luke Skywalker in Return of the Jedi. Jabba soon paid the price, as a chained-up Princess Leia choked him to death with her own constraints in one of the original trilogy’s most satisfying moments.
Would Diego Luna be into this?
Before I answer that, I just want to reiterate that this is the slimy object of Luna’s desire:
Incredible stuff. Clearly, the question isn’t if Luna would like to touch a Hutt, but whether he’d be able to contain his excitement and stay in character as Cassian during a potential encounter. Either way, given how many times he’s expressed a profound affection for Jabba and the texture of his repulsive skin, Luna absolutely deserves a shot at touching him. Of course, it doesn’t have to be Jabba. There are other Hutts in the galaxy, two of which appeared in The Book of Boba Fett. But you never forget your first love, and for Luna’s sake, he should get a chance to meet the space slug of his dreams.
Fact: Diego Luna would like to touch a Hutt; specifically, Jabba.
