Perhaps the best bit in the history of Key & Peele was “Obama’s Anger Translator.” Jordan Peele played Barack Obama, while Keegan-Michael Key played Obama’s anger translator, Luther. Every time Obama said something, Luther would then scream what Obama actually meant to say.
Obama: “My intentions as your president are coming from the right place.”
Luther: “They coming from HAWAII, which is where I’m FROM, which is in the United States of America, y’all! OK?! This is ridiculous! I HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE!”
The bit was so good that the real-life Obama actually had Key, as Luther, join him at the White House Correspondents’ dinner in 2015.
The NFL could use Luther at the NFL scouting combine this week. Roughly four dozen NFL head coaches, general managers, and other executives spoke to reporters on a range of issues, from players they might sign or trade to assistants they have hired or fired to prospects they may draft. And as with the former president, their words must be parsed to find their true meaning. And so I will humbly volunteer to be their translator to bring you the real meaning of the words behind some of the statements here in Indianapolis. (We’ve also included recent comments from the soon-to-be-former Bears quarterback Justin Fields that could use some deciphering.)
These translations aren’t perfect, but I will do my best.
Sean Payton, Head Coach, Denver Broncos
What Payton said: “Next week, Tuesday or Wednesday, we’ll be in meetings with ownership; I expect we’re going to know [Russell Wilson’s future in Denver] fairly quickly.”
Translation: “This dude is toast.”
Denver will almost certainly cut Wilson by the end of next week, before his 2025 salary becomes guaranteed on March 17, ending the Wilson era after Denver spent $124 million for 11 wins over two seasons. According to ESPN, potential buyers have already toured Wilson’s home, though Wilson denied it was on the market during a recent appearance on Brandon Marshall’s I Am Athlete podcast.
The salary cap is like taxes. Teams can get creative with how they report their finances, but it can also be a disaster if they make a mistake. The Wilson contract was a mistake. The Broncos will have to incur a historic dead cap hit to get rid of him, an astounding $85 million to be split over the next two seasons. (Usually, teams take all the dead money in one year, but the figure is so large that Denver will probably be forced to label Wilson as a “post–June 1” cut to split it over two seasons, even though Wilson will be cut before June 1. Consider this example no. 2,693 of why the NFL salary cap is absurd.) For context, that dead cap hit will be larger than the two biggest dead cap figures ever—Aaron Rodgers in Green Bay and Matt Ryan in Atlanta—combined. In 2005, the year before Payton became the head coach of the Saints, $85 million represented the entire salary cap. The Broncos are essentially lighting that money on fire just to get Wilson out of the building.
In his podcast appearance, Wilson also elaborated on the revelation that the Broncos threatened to bench him unless he agreed to waive the 2025 injury guarantee in his contract. While it sounds like contract legalese, Payton’s ask (demand? threat?) is a big deal. The language Payton wanted out of Wilson’s contract stipulated that Wilson would still get paid in 2025 even if he got injured in 2023 in a way that would prevent him from passing a physical this March. Wilson’s agreement to this would not only affect him, but also set a precedent that other, less powerful players would be benched unless they agreed to waive future injury guarantees at midseason. Payton also addressed this on Tuesday.
What Payton said: “I did not hear the Brandon Marshall podcast.”
Translation: “I heard the Brandon Marshall podcast.”
Ryan Poles, General Manager, Chicago Bears
What Poles said: “[Trading Justin Fields] just depends on what opportunities pop up. I will say this: If we go down that road, I wanna do right by Justin as well. No one wants to live in gray.”
Translation: “Someone take this guy off my goddamn hands.”
Chicago is slow-motion breaking up with Fields. Everyone knows the team will move on. Even Fields is slowly but surely coming to grips with this (which is why he unfollowed the Bears on Instagram). But there are seemingly no takers. The Bears would likely take a second-rounder for Fields; that’s what the Jets got (along with a fourth- and sixth-rounder) for Sam Darnold three years ago. But among the teams who need quarterbacks, Fields might not be the best fit for the Falcons and new offensive coordinator Zac Robinson, or for the Vikings and head coach Kevin O’Connell, both of whom run a Sean McVay offense, leaving the Bears in the precarious position of trying to get starting-quarterback compensation for a guy nobody seems to be willing to bet their jobs is a starting quarterback.
Justin Fields, Quarterback, Chicago Bears (for Now)
Fields was asked on a podcast last week why he unfollowed the Bears on Instagram. Let’s translate a few things he said.
What Fields said: “Why do people take social media so serious?”
Translation: “Why do I take social media so serious?”
What Fields said: “I still mess with the Bears, this and that. I’m just trying to take a little break [from football content]. I unfollowed the Bears and the NFL. I’m just trying to not have football on my timeline.”
Translation: “My childhood dream has been perverted into a twisted, capitalistic enterprise, and I have never felt more replaceable. My best years may be behind me. Only the memes on Instagram can distract me from reality.”
What Fields said: “I know y’all mess with a girl—[Equanimeous St. Brown], especially you. Just because you don’t follow the girl on IG don’t mean you not messing with her.”
Translation: “I am still in the ‘denial’ phase of the five stages of grief.”
Of all these quotes from Fields’s interview, the “don’t follow the girl on IG” line is the saddest. Fields is 24. If there is something 24-year-olds know, not following someone on Instagram is NOT THE SAME THING as unfollowing someone on Instagram. Unfollowing is a choice. Unfollowing someone you are involved with on an everyday level and then being surprised when they feel a type of way after you have unfollowed them is denial at its deepest core. Fields, understandably, is getting very publicly dumped by the Bears. Someone needs to buy this guy a beer.
Joe Schoen, General Manager, New York Giants
What Schoen said: “I have faith in Daniel [Jones] as our starting quarterback.”
Translation: “I have less faith in Daniel as our starting quarterback than I did 11 months ago, when I gave him $82 million.”
Jones led the Giants to a playoff win in January 2023, and in the afterglow, the team gave him a contract extension worth up to $160 million, with $82 million guaranteed in the first two years. But the 2023 season was a disaster: The Giants finished 6-11 as Jones reinjured his neck and also suffered a torn ACL. Now the Giants have the dual problem of getting Jones back to full health and reconciling the fact that they went 1-5 with Jones as a starter, while Tyrod Taylor and Tommy DeVito combined to go 5-6. Jones also managed to score just three total touchdowns while committing 10 combined interceptions and fumbles. Yet because of the contract the team gave Jones last March, the Giants cannot realistically move on from Jones for at least one more season. However, Schoen has left the door open to potentially add a new quarterback this offseason.
“We’re gonna look at everything, all positions,” Schoen said. “Again, you hope you’re not up there again picking in the top 10.”
I don’t want to break this to Schoen, but the Giants are regularly picking in the top 10. This year’s selection will be the eighth top-10 pick in the past 10 years. History suggests the Giants will absolutely be picking that high again.
Schoen was also asked about reopening negotiations with running back Saquon Barkley after previous talks ended without a deal. Barkley received the franchise tag last season and played on an adjusted one-year deal.
What Schoen said: “I think we’ve all grown—Saquon, myself, the organization—through the last 12, 13, 14 months. Saquon may be in a different place now than he was then in terms of understanding the market and the business side of it. I’m looking forward to having those conversations with him.”
Translation: “Lol, we aren’t paying Saquon.”
The Giants won’t commit long-term money to a running back—even Barkley. Schoen said the franchise tag was not off the table, but even that kind of language suggests Barkley may just hit free agency and be gone.
Kevin O’Connell, Head Coach, Minnesota Vikings
What O’Connell said: “Kirk Cousins knows how I feel about him; I’ve held no secrets there. He knows how the Minnesota Vikings feel about him. I believe Kirk wants to be a Viking. And we’re going to work to try to make that the outcome.”
Translation: “Get your grimy hands off my man. We are not losing Kirk Cousins. I am not going back to the Nick Mullens and Josh Dobbs life.”
Cousins is widely ranked as one of the best free agents in this year’s class even though he’s 35 years old and coming off an Achilles tear. But the Vikings’ experience without Cousins last season, as Dobbs and Mullens invented new ways to turn the football over with innovation not seen since the nadir of Carson Wentz’s career, likely convinced the Vikings that life without Cousins is way worse than they thought—and they are not going back.
Joe Douglas, General Manager, New York Jets
What Douglas said: “We’ve given [Zach Wilson and his agent] permission to talk to other teams about a trade.”
Translation: “Good luck with that, buddy!”
I have a funny feeling that Wilson’s agent won’t magically discover that a team out there wants to give up a treasure trove for him. The Bears are seemingly having trouble moving Wilson’s fellow 2021 draftee Justin Fields, and Fields had as many passing touchdowns in a five-day stretch in October (eight) as Wilson did all of last season. By calling teams for a trade, Wilson’s agent is basically serving as his pain sponge.
Raheem Morris, Head Coach, Atlanta Falcons
What Morris said: “If we had better quarterback play, I’m probably not standing here at this podium.”
Translation: “Hope Desmond Ridder is renting!”
The Falcons will add a quarterback this offseason. Morris isn’t going down the way his predecessor, Arthur Smith, did. The Falcons will get a quarterback in free agency or the draft. (¿Por qué no los dos?) Whether that QB is the eighth pick in the draft, a trade up, a veteran like Kirk Cousins, or a stopgap like Jacoby Brissett, Ridder is heading to the bench—or somewhere else.
Eliot Wolf, Director of Scouting, New England Patriots
What Wolf said: The Patriots’ new culture will have “less of a hard-ass vibe.”
Translation: “The Patriots’ new culture will have ‘less of a hard-ass vibe.’”
Shout-out to Wolf for coming out and just saying what he meant. What an incredible counter to the Bill Belichick era. Covering the Patriots under Belichick was often compared to covering the Kremlin. Wolf seems to be pushing a new openness for New England—glasnost. And the same way Russian leaders can admire and venerate previous Russian leadership but also sometimes blame them for current circumstances, Wolf walked the tightrope of appreciating Belichick but also totally throwing the man under the bus. Wolf described to reporters how he is simplifying the Patriots’ grading system for prospects—which previously required scouts to do laborious work to see how the player would fit into their specific scheme—and just letting scouts focus on how good a given player seems to be. But it’s not just Belichick out here getting criticized.
What Wolf said: “Body language on the field is very important at [the quarterback position]. You don’t want a guy that’s throwing his hands up after a bad play, or you can see him physically pointing at somebody. Body language is important. Everybody’s looking at the quarterback.”
Translation: “GTFO, Mac Jones.”
Mac is done in New England. And after two decades in which Belichick was so conservative with the media, Wolf might end up being the most entertaining executive in the NFL. He doesn’t even need a translator.
