Director Denis Villeneuve said he didn’t want to make “stupid jokes” he’d regret in the morning about the viral Dune: Part Two popcorn bucket, and he didn’t have to. The entirety of the internet made the jokes for him.
I mean, let’s call it what it is. The bucket looks like a Shai-Hulud Fleshlight. (If you’re pretending you don’t know what a Fleshlight is, I have the link bookmarked did a quick Google search for you and linked it here. Don’t visit the website at the office or on your work computer like I did, either.) The jokes write themselves. It has become such an internet sensation that Villeneuve, Timothée Chalamet, and practically everyone else attached to the movie have fielded a series of questions about the bucket on the press tour. It’s honestly a shock that Josh Brolin hasn’t already written a love poem about it.
Now why did I jump at the opportunity to go through this exercise rather than simply participate in the internet fodder with a handful of my own lewd memes and jokes? It’s hard to say. I am obsessed with how successful it’s been in creating conversation around the movie. Even Villeneuve told the Times it was an “impressive design.” (If you are the thought leader behind this bucket, email me at agayle@spotify.com. I need to see inside your beautiful mind.) It’s also hard to pass up on what is essentially a viral dick joke. I knew I had to do something to this bucket, so I decided to do 22 things.
1. Gift Your Mom Flowers on Mother’s Day
It may seem counterintuitive that something so, uh, aesthetically interesting could house something so beautiful, but bear with me: Your mom deserves it. She either raised a nerd who grew so obsessed with a ’60s sci-fi novel that they paid $26 for a novelty popcorn bucket, or she paid for it herself when she took you to the premiere after school on Friday. Either way, the first—and maybe most obvious—way to repurpose the buttery bucket is to use it as a vase for some lilacs or roses or maybe even some sacred date palms. You can stuff each stem between the 40-ish sandworm teeth and fill it with five men’s worth of water to help keep the flowers alive through May.
You’ll have to get a card, too, of course. So here’s a draft of something you can write in it:
To Mom,
I see a holy war spreading across the universe like unquenchable fire, but nothing will quench my appreciation for you.
PS Once the flowers die, can I keep the bucket in my room?
Love,
Your Son (The One)
2. Use Two for Hulk Hands
David Lynch may not have mastered the universe of Dune, but he certainly understands the power of Hulk Hands—and so do I. If you haven’t heard of Hulk Hands before this, watch this commercial in the mindset of a 9-year-old kid and tell me you don’t need the power of the Hulk in your hands. Imagine wailing on your younger brother with giant pieces of green foam wrapped around your fists while guttural roars blurt out of mics on the wrists every time you make contact. Our Dune version wouldn’t come with the built-in sound effects, but more children need to use their imagination these days anyway. Hell, even now, at 30 years old, I’m willing to stuff my wrists down the necks of two sandworm buckets without hesitation if it means I get another taste of the thrill and confidence Hulk Hands gave me and every other child in the 2000s. (Yes, I know this would hurt a bit more than the Hulk’s foamy touch, but it won’t be Pain Box levels of terrible.)
3. Keep a Wine Bag Cold/Use as a Wine Bag Koozie
College kids may not be able to get their hands on Dune’s spice beer, but slapping a wine bag at a frat party is a sensation for anyone in their early 20s. Of course it is. The ritual is slapping a mini waterbed of alcohol and then nursing it out of a nozzle as everyone counts up from one. It’s a simpler, easier-to-execute keg-stand experience that doesn’t involve any acrobatics. What’s not to like? Well, I’ll tell you. Have you ever had to be the person carrying the bag around all night? It’s a jolt of electricity for the slapper; it’s a sloppy cross to bear for the holder. It’s impossible to get a good grip on the bag without choking the nozzle and/or getting wine all over yourself. And, after three to four slaps, the wine is already warm and gross.
The solution is obvious. Fill a Dune bucket with ice and have people slap it instead. No, it’s not as satisfying as slapping the wine balloon, but going lip-to-teeth with a sandworm should make up for some of the thrill. That, plus you’re the person at the party carrying around a sandworm bucket filled with cheap bagged wine all night. It doesn’t get much cooler than that.
4. Collect Money Busking in the NYC Subway
Using a hat is a bit overplayed. It also doesn’t stand out enough. A guitar case is better than throwing out a hat, but it’s also a lot of wasted space unless you’re displaying some CDs or merchandise. The Dune bucket is a chance to stand out among the pack of subway performers. Casuals walking by will stop in their tracks if a rogue sandworm is roaming the underground. (There’s no way in hell you’re just passing by Dave Bautista’s Glossu Rabban busking in NYC without dropping a few dollars in his sandworm bucket.) Plus, no one has to feel guilty about the amount of cash (or coins) they drop in because it’ll be impossible for you, the performer, to see the value of the donation before it’s engulfed by the teeth of the bucket. Break out your baliset and busk away. (Also, don’t take requests; it’s Hans Zimmer or bust.)
5. Feed Your Cat, Halo
My colleague Mallory Rubin, a true sci-fi nerd and tremendous podcasting talent, made immediate use of the Dune bucket when she got home from the theater. Her cat, Halo, took interest in the sandworm, its teeth, and the lingering smell of butter. This is my formal request to her to replace Halo’s food bowl with the bucket indefinitely.
6. Use as the Perfect Halloween Candy Bucket
This is one of the most obvious use cases, for sure. The only real decision is whether you want to be the person who answers the door each time and actually hands out candy to kids or if you want to be the loser who just leaves the bowl out with a note begging people to take only a few pieces when, in the real world, the first kid with a brain will pillage the bowl entirely. Choose the former, and you can walk the streets with a sense of pride and delight knowing that you actually care about the world’s youth. The latter, and you’re just a lazy piece of shit.
While we’re on the topic, it’s easy to see that the most popular costumes from Dune this year will be some pretty awful versions of Timothée Chalamet. But if you’re a true fan, you’ll swing the bat on a full-body sandworm costume or break out the stilts to go for Vladimir Harkonnen.
7. Hide Weed From Your Parents
There really aren’t a lot of good places to hide your weed as an experimenting teenager. An old shoebox is a dead giveaway. Anything tucked away in the closet or under your bed will be the first thing your overbearing mom sifts through when any skunky smell or unusual cravings spike her suspicions. Alas, we hide our paraphernalia in plain sight. Will she really succumb to the sandworm to find your spice at the bottom of the bucket if you have it as a display on your desk for all to see?
8. Make a Human Centipede–Inspired Triple Bucket
Why not? Poke holes in the bottoms of two buckets and stuff the sandworm mouths through the openings as an homage to the cult classic The Human Centipede (First Sequence). It’s an expensive gimmick, sure, but the laughs are priceless.
Her: Honey, are those three Dune: Part Two novelty popcorn buckets cut and glued together to resemble the victims in The Human Centipede (First Sequence)?
Him (and it’s definitely a him): Yes.
9. Store Your Bedside Dental Retainer
If you don’t have a proper case for it, you’ll lose it. And your parents didn’t spend all that money on braces for you to misplace your dental retainer and splurge on Invisalign years later. Sure, a smaller case would be easy to travel with and create more surface space on your bedside table. But a smaller case is also easy to lose. Protect your teeth with the sandworm’s teeth.
10. Take Communion
Our Reverend Mother, Who art in Caladan, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on Arrakis as it is in Caladan. Give us this day our daily spice; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into the teeth of the Shai-Hulud, but deliver us from fear.
(If you’re against dipping bread into a toothy sandworm bucket of wine, it also makes for a good offering basket at your local Christian church.)
11. Play High-Difficulty Mini-Basketball
You’ll also need a custom basketball to fit into the mouth of the bucket, but it’s a worthwhile pursuit. Even if the teeth prevent any satisfying swishes on jump shots, you could duct-tape the bucket to the wall and orchestrate a Dune dunk contest with your pals. Don’t kid yourself; you know you want to channel your inner Vince Carter and go elbow-deep in the sandworm.
Also, why not replace the current NBA dunk contest with the bucket? None of the stars participate anyway. Maybe they would if they got their shot to 360 windmill down a sandworm’s throat. I can already picture Mac McClung pulling off a two-hand back scratcher over Chalamet. At the very least, it would’ve made Jaylen Brown’s performance a little more exciting.
12. Make a Feeble Attempt at Straining Pasta
To be fair, I don’t think this will work. But it’s worth a shot given how hard it is to even get popcorn out of the bucket. Noodle size and type are obviously important for the sandworm’s teeth to be an effective strainer; spaghetti and angel hair pasta wouldn’t be high on my list to try with the Dune bucket. Boil some manicotti or jumbo-sized fusilli, and maybe we can make it happen.
13. Use as a Just-in-Case-You-Puke Bucket When Going to Bed Sick
My mom thought Kool-Aid Bursts were the cure for a stomachache when I was 6 years old. I want to say it was tangential to the ginger-ale-and-crackers witchcraft parents have bought into for years, but that might be giving her too much credit. I projectile-vomited waves of red from the couch into a plastic bag after sucking down a six-pack of the tropical-punch-flavored ones. That story would be a lot cooler (and less about neglect) if I had a Dune bucket.
14. Use as a Mini Sarlacc Pit for Your Star Wars Action Figures
This might be the nerdiest thing a human can possibly do, right? But it makes sense, given that the Sarlacc was inspired by Dune. Still: Can you imagine someone walking in on you executing a miniature Boba Fett figurine in a Dune popcorn bucket? If you’re still a kid, it’s obviously encouraging to let go of the iPad and actually play with some real toys. But as an adult? You’re entering rarefied air among the nerds.
15. Finally Try an at-Home Fondue Dinner
You’ll never do it if you don’t commit. You’ve already told your partner 10 times, “Wouldn’t that be fun?!” The Dune bucket is the perfect reason to finally take the plunge. In fact, here’s something I cooked up that you can serve.
Dune: Part Two Spice Fondue Recipe (by Austin Gayle)*
INGREDIENTS
- 1 pound cheddar cheese, grated
- 1/2 pound Gouda cheese, grated
- 1/4 pound blue cheese, crumbled (Get it? Because of the spice.)
- 1 tablespoon cornstarch
- 1 teaspoon lemon juice
- 1 garlic clove, finely chopped
- Salt and pepper to taste
DIRECTIONS
- Melt all of the above ingredients in a fondue pot on medium heat.
- Pour melted cheese mixture into foil-protected Dune: Part Two popcorn bucket, pop the sandworm lid on, and hope the bucket doesn’t dissolve.
- Grab a gom jabbar and enjoy with bread, potatoes, or anything else your heart desires!
*Not a real recipe
16. Baptize a Baby
Nothing will ever top the squirt-gun baptism, but watching a priest finagle his hand inside the mouth of a sandworm for some holy water to sprinkle on a baby’s forehead would be the next best thing. Not only is the baby reborn in the eyes of the Lord, but they are also now a solidified piece of the Dune lore. It gives a new meaning to “Bless the Maker and His water.”
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17. Store Old iPhone Boxes
We don’t give Steve Jobs enough credit. He convinced an entire generation to keep the packaging of his product with no additional messaging. Every iPhone box I’ve ever received is somewhere in my closet right now packed with the old phones I’m also unwilling to get rid of for some reason. Why not pair them with a novelty popcorn bucket that you will also never throw away? It’s time they found a home on Arrakis.
18. Replace the Stanley Cup
NHL players already get pretty creative with the Stanley Cup. They parade around the ice with it over their heads (and sometimes drop it on the ice). They kiss it. They drink beer out of it. Former Red Wings star Kris Draper once had his kid poop in it. Dustin Brown of the L.A. Kings let his kids use it to blow bubbles in their chocolate milk. There’s no reason we can’t do all of those things and more with the Dune bucket.
19. Retire Grandma’s Gravy Boat at Thanksgiving
The gravy boat is in some ways as perfectly designed as the starship. It’s such an easy pour, especially compared to the Dune bucket, and there are a lot of varieties. But there’s nothing to protect the gravy?! Meemaw passes the corn after slugging a few whiskey eggnogs, and all of a sudden you’ve got floaters in the porcelain. Also: Why are we treating gravy like a scarce resource? This isn’t spice. If I want to unload the clip on my plate, I should have the right to do so. The sandworm has enough depth for me to get my fix and then some.
20. Novelty Urn for Grandma’s Ashes
We had to replace the gravy boat for a reason. It’s time to move on in the best way we know how. This is all a part of the prophecy.
21. Use as Edward 40 Hands at a Frat Party
This will be tough to execute, but it’s nothing Costco amounts of duct tape can’t solve. If you’re unfamiliar with Edward 40 Hands, it’s pretty simple. You tape two full 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor to your hands ahead of a night out with the boys, and you can’t be set free until you finish both of ’em. (I think you know where this is going.) This time, we’ll pour both bottles into two separate Dune buckets and tape our palms around the necks of the sandworms to add a little more spice to the evening. The only thing I need help with is coming up with the name:
- Fremen and Fifths
- Pain Boxes
- Ride the Worms
22. Eat Popcorn at the Dune: Part Two Premiere
Wait, did you guys really think I was going to fuck this thing?
