“I’m unroastable,” Tom Brady says in the trailer for The Greatest Roast of All Time: Tom Brady.
Oh, Thomas. That is where you are wrong. No one is unroastable, much less a middle-aged retiree with a curiously nomadic hairline and a long personal history with the phrase “deflated balls.” And Sunday night, at 8 p.m. ET live on Netflix, a cast of comedians and sports figures will seek to prove it.
The roast of Tom Brady marks an entertaining zag in TB12’s post-playing career. In the celebrity roast universe, though, it’s a major comeback. There hasn’t been a true celebrity roast since Alec Baldwin’s in 2019, back when the series was on Comedy Central. In the meantime, Roastmaster General Jeff Ross has taken his punch lines to Netflix, where he hosts the Historical Roasts series, but it’s been a while since there was a roast of a bona fide living celebrity. If you enjoy a roast, this is good news.
Brady himself, apparently, is a fan of the format. In an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! this week, Ross said he reached out to Brady about the idea of a roast after noticing that the quarterback was watching his Instagram stories—on the day of the Super Bowl in 2021, hours before Brady’s Buccaneers would beat the Chiefs, earning the quarterback his seventh ring. Ross told Kimmel that Brady was excited to say yes and that he knows what he’s getting into—he’s a “student of the roast,” Ross said. (Tom, drop your roast takes!)
Ross said that several comedians and roast regulars including Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sam Jay, Andrew Schulz, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, and Kevin Hart, who is hosting, will participate. Beyond those names, the lineup is heavy on former teammates, including Drew Bledsoe, Randy Moss, Rob Gronkowski, and Julian Edelman. On a particularly intriguing note, Bill Belichick will reportedly take a turn at the mic.
It’s an athlete-heavy lineup, which doesn’t necessarily suggest the most vicious of roasts. Sports stars have done well in prior roasts, though. Shaq is always a good time, Blake Griffin stole the show at the Baldwin roast, and watching Peyton Manning engage with the idea of Rob Lowe’s IMDb was amusing in and of itself. Belichick’s set, though, should be highly anticipated; Belichick told Brady he could replace him with the backup at Foxborough High in meetings for decades, so he should be well-prepared with some one-liners.
And don’t forget that Brady will get his chance to respond to the roasters. Ross told Kimmel he thinks the quarterback might have the set of the night.
“I watched him rehearse last night—not rehearse, but running some material—and he’s ruthless,” Ross said. “He wants to win his own roast.”
A good roast takes aim at the most spoofable qualities of a public person, and it’s possible to predict a few of the lines of fire heading Brady’s direction. (Roastees can put a ban on certain types of jokes; Donald Trump forbade punch lines about how he’s less rich than he advertises. No word on whether Brady has barred quips about Jimmy Garoppolo, mouth-kissing, or anything else.) In case you’re planning on watching along, here’s an accompanying drinking game—suggested pairings include an antioxidant-rich blueberry smoothie or avocado tequila, of course.
The Greatest Roast of All Time: Tom Brady Drinking Game:
Take one sip if …
- Anyone brings up Deflategate or “deflated balls.”
- A member of the 80 for Brady cast makes an appearance.
- Anyone makes a joke about the Jets.
- The Brady-Belichick “breakup” is mentioned.
- The time when Brady miscounted four downs in 2020 and got meme’d comes up.
- Brady wears at least one Super Bowl ring.
Take two sips if …
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- Ben Affleck shows up and can’t bring himself to be mean to his hero.
- Eli Manning makes a surprise appearance.
- Someone makes a joke about hair plugs or plastic surgery.
- Bridget Moynahan attends.
- Anyone brings up Brady’s FTX commercials or cryptocurrency.
- “Brady Brand” is mentioned.
- Roger Goodell is mentioned.
- Belichick wears anything with cutoff sleeves.
- Someone utters the phrase “massage parlor.”
- Gronk chugs or spikes anything.
Take a big swig if …
- Brady and Belichick trade punch lines and you’re not sure whether they’re really laughing.
- A member of the Kraft family shows up to take credit for the Patriots dynasty.
- Gisele attends.
- Someone makes a joke about Brady’s diet.
- Gronk seems confused.
- Deflategate mentions hit the over (4.5).
Finish your drink if …
- Any roaster mentions the wild nicknames on Brady’s Pro Football Reference page.
- Nick Foles makes a surprise appearance.
- Gisele and Bridget Moynahan attend.
- Belichick makes a joke about Alex Guerrero.
- Brady wears all seven Super Bowl rings.
Hydrate enough to prevent sunburn if …
- A member of Brady’s family tells him he’s a bad kisser.
- Brady unretires before the roast is over just to get off the stage.
Happy roasting, everyone.
