Ranking Every Summer Olympic Sport Based on How Terrible It Would Be for the Average Person
With the 2024 Paris Olympics winding to a close, it’s time to send the Games off right. That means ranking (and vividly imagining!) what it’d be like to get dropped into each competition. Some would bring injury and infamy. Others? Well, maybe don’t test Teahupo’o.
The Summer Olympics are a glorious, global celebration that brings the world together as a community of rivals. We watch every four years, tuning into sports we rarely think about (canoe slalom! speed climbing!) to cheer on the athletes who represent our countries and find new heroes. This year, I watched the Games for five hours in an airport bar, making friends with everyone else who was rooting for Sha’Carri Richardson. I’ve texted friends about bad fencing calls and the, um, very attractive players on the U.S. men’s volleyball team. I’ve gotten out of bed and fired up NBC’s Gold Zone to watch judo, equestrian, beach volleyball, and sailing all at once. And maybe, just maybe, I’ve thought about what it would be like to pole vault, dive, or run a marathon at an Olympic level.
There’s a part of me, and of many other people (admit it!), that wants to have the chance to dazzle on an Olympic stage. Remember Elizabeth Swaney? The “skier” who (basically) scammed her way into the 2018 Olympics in PyeongChang? She might have been a better freestyle skier than most people, but the gap between her and her fellow Olympians was wider than the halfpipe she so feebly attempted to ski.
Still, Swaney tapped into something. What would it be like to get dropped into the Games for a day? Could someone like you or me score a single point in table tennis or beach volleyball? Maybe we could just run around the basketball court and cheer if we got tossed into a game?
The reality, unfortunately, is that most of us would be miserable if we got thrown into a high school field hockey match, let alone an Olympic one. Sure, if we could swallow the humiliation, maybe we’d have some fun in some events (who wants to try the canoe slalom with me?!). Other sports would mean likely injury and certain infamy, and still others could kill a person who hadn’t been training for decades at the highest level. Which raises the question: Which Olympic sport from the Paris Games would be the worst for a regular person to compete in?
The Ringer has you covered. In the spirit of our previous ranking of Winter Olympics events according to how terrifying they’d be for non-Olympians, we’ve put together a misery index of Summer Olympic sports for the everyperson. There are three tiers in this ranking: Actually, Like, Really Fun (Can We Try This at Home?), Your-Ego-Will-Never-Recover Levels of Shame, and You Could Literally … Die? And in the interest of your sanity and ours, we’re looking at each category of sports in the Olympics (e.g., swimming or track and field) and not each individual event (e.g., the 200-meter freestyle or sprint).
As the greatest two-plus weeks of every four years come to a close, let’s celebrate the Paris Olympics, our favorite Olympians, and the truly extraordinary feats they accomplish for their glory and our entertainment. And even more, let’s celebrate the fact that we are not one of those Olympians, subjecting our bodies to the wonders and horrors of sport.
Actually, Like, Really Fun (Can We Try This at Home?)
39. Canoe and Kayak
So when are we making canoe and kayak slalom courses a thing that anyone can access? I’m ready to ditch the weights and work on my biceps in raging rapids! Honestly, I think the fun you’d have plunging down the course and (maybe, sorta) angling yourself through the gates would counterbalance your fears of imminent death or capsizing (plus, you get a helmet; you would be fine if you went under!). I definitely saw some Olympic slalom competitors miss their gates, so no worries if you just joyride in your canoe and ignore the course as you go. Plus, this event was not in the Seine, making the prospect of tumping over a lot less stomach-churny. And U.S. women’s slalom competitor Evy Leibfarth seems like a great hang, so you could come out of the Olympics with a new bestie, too.
The sprint honestly seems a lot less fun, but it can’t get much worse than capsizing at the starting line (which an actual Olympian has done!). You could at least finish the race and maintain some dignity.
38. Basketball and Basketball 3x3
Honestly, it would be cool to just meet (and mess around with) your heroes. Just ask Steve Kerr or Cheryl Reeve to keep you on the bench (hey, you could pal around with Jayson Tatum or Joel Embiid!), and you’re basically getting courtside seats for some incredible games featuring the world’s best basketball players. They put you in? Well, fuck, run up and down the court and try not to fall over. I went to college with Brittney Griner and sat behind her in chapel (yes, chapel; it was a requirement, OK?) a couple of times, and even that kind of proximity to pure talent (not to mention height) was intoxicating. Imagine being her teammate!
The more fast-paced 3x3 competition would require you to get sweatier, but you might also be able to help out the U.S. men’s team, who underperformed in Paris. Get going on some neighborhood hoops (which 3x3 was modeled on), and you could join Jimmer Fredette on the Olympic stage in 2028. But you’d probably just look like Philip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly.
37. Handball
Like most Americans, I wasn’t especially familiar with handball before watching a game during the Olympics. As with canoe slalom, I came away thinking: Why aren’t we playing this all the time? It has the best parts of water polo, soccer, volleyball, and basketball all rolled into one. Unlike in basketball, though, players are allowed to be overtly physically aggressive with their opponents, making it riskier to play. But watch how fun!
The hardest (and coolest) part is those little floating hop fake-outs that handballers do before they shoot. You could get a highlight reel of those (it doesn’t have to include all the misses).
The U.S. doesn’t even have a handball team in the Paris Olympics! That’s a crying shame we could band together to resolve. Los Angeles 2028?
36. Soccer
Like basketball, this is a star-studded team sport where you could get away with sitting on the sidelines. Did Emma Hayes leave her common sense behind and sub you in? Well, the U.S. women’s national team has some advice for you: “Give Trinity Rodman the ball and let her do her thing.”
35. Shooting
Shooting is somehow not the most potentially deadly Olympic sport for the average person. It rewards aim and the ability to hold your own in a staring contest (seriously, these pistol shooters do not blink), but more importantly, it offers the opportunity to look really fucking cool:
Even (or especially) if you don’t look like you’re trying at all:
My approach would be to show up in a badass cyberpunk outfit and a clutch set of blinkers (or, I guess, a T-shirt). I could learn to shoot more or less in the general direction of the target, and my sick fit would distract from any egregious misses.
34. Golf
Listen, I tried golfing once. The thrill was not there, which is why it ended up here in these highly objective rankings. But there’s also not much risk of injury or embarrassment, as even the best golfers in the world have extremely bad days. Plus, it’s a game that a person of average athleticism could at least finish. In my (extensive) experience, the best thing about golfing was riding around in a golf cart and drinking Twisted Teas; surely the rules about alcohol on the course in Paris must be lax?
33. Skateboarding
The injury risk is higher with this one, sure. (I speak from personal experience: I sprained my ankle skateboarding over a crack in the sidewalk last year.) But so is the potential to have so much fun.
Street skateboarding Olympians sometimes wipe out on the first trick; the important thing is to seem like you don’t care at all. And that’s because Olympic skateboarders all have one thing in common: pure rizz.
Not all people have rizz, but you could sure fake it with a pair of headphones, some beat-up Vans, and a name like Jagger Eaton, Poe Pinson, Augusto Akio, or Nyjah Huston. So wipe out, shrug it off, and wave to all the fans who just fell in love with you.
32. Fencing
As I’ve learned, fencing can get heated, so maybe I have this ranked too high on the fun meter. But think about it: You’re not exerting yourself that much, and you’re basically playing a full-scale thumb war in Lindsay Lohan cosplay. (Please don’t come after me, fencers of the world. The Parent Trap should have taught me just how heated fencing can get.)
Maybe facing off against you or me would feel like an insult to Olympic fencers, but it’d also represent an easy win on their way to the podium. Good times all around.
31. Field Hockey
Like soccer, this is a sport where you could mostly just stand around on the sideline and stay out of the action (or run frantically in circles to look more useful). I’m ranking this lower than soccer, though, because that hockey stick presents a real injury concern for those unaccustomed to wielding (or avoiding) it. Aim and accuracy could also be an issue if the ball ever does come your way. You’re only supposed to hit it with the flat end of the stick, but my concern would be making contact with the ball at all.
According to the Olympics website, the key tenets of field hockey are “speed, technical skills, and fun.” You or I could manage at least one of those things.
30. BMX
Not just the province of obnoxious preteen boys! But as the parents of those boys might tell you, the injury risk is high in BMX. Honestly, this could be the right time to pull an Elizabeth Swaney and just cycle around the stadium without attempting any tricks. But it would be pretty tempting to try flying through the air while somehow flipping your bike around in circles.
You live (and die) only once. Maybe go out in the glory of a BMX trick?
And then there’s BMX racing, which doesn’t even rely on tricks for its thrills. If you can manage to stay on the bike, this would be really fun, even when you’re in last place.
29. Track and Field
Unlike many other sports on this list, most of us have attempted at least some track-and-field events. Plenty of people can run around a track; they would move at a snail’s speed next to Gabby Thomas or Noah Lyles, but they’d at least be able to finish a 100-meter or 200-meter (or even 10,000-meter!) run. We’re not looking for medals here, just some sense of dignity (not to mention survival).
Hurdles would be a different story. There’s no way most of us are coming out of this in one piece. Competing in the heptathlon would mean being very bad at seven sports instead of just one (and extending your personal misery Olympics to two days of competition). And the marathon, the big daddy of track events, might make you collapse and/or shit your shorts. (And if you thought that you might have a chance in the race walking competition, please know that shitting your shorts is even more common in that event!)
Then we get to the “field” part of the equation. Your shot put, your javelin throw, your high jumps, your pole vaults. Again, you’d embarrass yourself, and mightily! But the beauty of inevitably, colossally losing is that maybe you could just … enjoy yourself like it’s a middle school field day? Stop and rediscover your inner child, who loved throwing shit and jumping off literal walls? Sorry to the discus throw, but not enough people are watching that to remember and mock you forever. So practice your pirouettes and your discus-throwing scream, because it might not be your time to shine, but it is your time to have fun again:
The pole vault, of course, is significantly more dangerous. But it’s time to let go, let God, and believe you can fly.
28. Road Cycling
The pro in road cycling is that most of us would immediately be left in the Olympians’ dust, freeing us up to enjoy a free bike tour of Paris! Tourists pay big money for this kind of thing; sure, on this bike tour, cameras and spectators would gawk at you, and commentators would tell an international audience about just how slow you’re going. But you’d get to see Montmartre, the Eiffel Tower, and the Seine (without swimming in it!).
Rough cobblestones? Just get off your bike and walk; maybe someone will give you a croissant for your efforts. I guess you might have to eventually finish “the longest race in the history of the Olympic Games,” but, uh, the croissant should get you through.
Olympic gold medalist Kristen Faulkner was also, until only six years ago, kind of a normal person (even though she went to Harvard and worked in venture capital)! So let that hearten you as you watch her speed by you in the road race.
27. Trampoline
The humiliation factor grows ever higher, but we cling to a childlike sense of wonder as we make our way through this list. And speaking of childhood delights—what was more fun than bouncing on a trampoline (or better yet, trying to bounce other people off it)? It’s time to dig deep into your bag o’ tricks for the Olympic trampoline event, an exercise in strength, acrobatics, and precision for the athletes and debasement and perseverance for you and me.
All we can hope for here is that lack of ambition keeps us from slipping through the trampoline. (Which seems like it happens way too often? Maybe my parents had a point when they said we couldn’t get a trampoline? Nah, actually, this looks too fun, even if it could kill you.)
26. Sport Climbing
Sport climbing sounds like something you might be able to do without embarrassing yourself, but just watch this clip:
That’s simply … way too fast? Something about speed climbing makes me really uncomfortable. We shouldn’t be able to climb walls like little lizards. If I’m just less evolved than a speed climber, so be it. I don’t want to be a lizard person anyway!
25. Rhythmic Gymnastics
A borderline case. This would be deeply humiliating for those of us who don’t have experience with ribbons, clubs, or hoops, let alone challenging gymnastics maneuvers, rhythm, and poise. But I’ve always felt envious of all the fun ribbon dancers seem to be having, and there are, like, one or two moves I could probably do. (I might not be able to catch the ribbon, but I definitely can throw it.) As Rumi said, “Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” What better way to tear off the bandage of all your insecurities than to throw a ribbon around while attempting the splits?
Your-Ego-Will-Never-Recover Levels of Shame
24. Weightlifting
Are you ready for the Olympic-viewing public to know exactly how weak and pathetic you are? Welcome to weightlifting! The regular person could skew ambitious, risking snapped arms and total collapse, or safe, risking embarrassment, mockery, and probably still total collapse. Either way, you lose. We’re officially in the not-having-fun-anymore tier of these rankings.
23. Archery
Dare I say that this would be more terrible for the spectators if an average person competed? Errant arrows could end someone’s Paris vacation on a sour note. Those recurve bows are a lot heavier than they look … and the target is the width of a soccer field away! (Which is always kind of hard to tell on the broadcast since they just cut back and forth between the squinting archers and a close-up of the target. More shots from the perspective of the arrow, please!)
Anyway, I imagine that I would only be able to shoot the arrow 5 feet away (or, yeah … into the expectant crowd) and then slink away in shame. Some may say that archery (and shooting, see above!) could be one of the easier Olympic sports to learn … because, supposedly, anyone can develop mental focus? Yeah, I don’t think so; we’re in the TikTok generation now.
22. Track Cycling
This one just seems like it would put you in a more abject state of humiliation than the road race (see above). There’s no Paris view or potential pastry to enjoy; you’re toughing it out on an indoor velodrome surrounded by people who will certainly be heckling you.
You would get lapped again, and again, and again in the velodrome. And in spandex! The humiliation factor is really getting high now.
22. Indoor Volleyball
Unlike some of the other team sports mentioned thus far, there’s no hiding in volleyball. Opponents will hunt you down, spiking and serving to the weakest link. But unlike beach volleyball (see below), your teammates could unceremoniously shove you out of the way for a dig. You would present a gaping hole in the rotation, but not a certain failure for the team. And if you practice some dodgeball beforehand, you can avoid too many direct hits to the face.
21. Breaking
The Olympics’ newest sport is scored based on technique, vocabulary (the moves a dancer has in their arsenal), execution, musicality, and originality. For our purposes, this means that most of us would watch real B-boys or B-girls spin and flip until we eventually just flop over and try the worm.
For the purposes of this exercise, it could be fun to imagine Steve Kornacki himself in a breaking battle.
20. Beach Volleyball
This is tough to rank because, objectively, beach volleyball is probably the most fun sport in the Olympics. (I live in San Diego, so I’m an authority on this!) But for the purposes of this ranking, it would be truly terrible. You’re playing in twos, and spiking all of your partner’s sets into the net or out of bounds would be devastating for everyone. Kelly Cheng and Sara Hughes are so close that they hold hands every time they switch sides; your partner would bat your hand away in disgust.
19. Table Tennis
Do you, like Anthony Edwards, think you could score a point on the U.S. table tennis team?
Have you seen the table tennis players’ quads? Not to mention their reflexes, their dialed-in, eyes-on-the-ball, never-give-up, scary, absolutely nonstop rallies, and the way they ping-pong back and forth even faster than the ball? Last month, U.S. table tennis player Lily Zhang told The New York Times, “You’ll meet someone, and their first reaction is, ‘I bet I can beat you, let’s play.’ I don’t think you’d really say that to anyone in another sport.”
Be warned: You shouldn’t say it either. The most rudimentary grasp of basement ping-pong can’t save you from table tennis players like Wang Chuqin (even if you try to sabotage him by stepping on his paddle). He will demoralize you with his laser-eyed stare and lightning-quick paddle, and you will know once and for all that ping-pong is not the same as table tennis. (Better to watch from the sidelines, like Edwards eventually did, and educate yourself on how impressive the sport is at its highest levels.)
18. Badminton
Badminton is one of those sports you might (foolishly) think you’d be OK at. You’d be wrong! Is badminton … harder than tennis?
Controversial question, I know! But the shuttlecock is apparently the fastest-moving object in sports, challenging players’ response times and agility. (Its movements are also a lot less predictable than those of a tennis ball.) Tennis rackets and tennis balls may be heavier, but that means it can be even more difficult to generate power—and a point—in badminton. And the badminton court might be smaller, but you’re probably moving around it a lot more quickly, too.
17. Tennis
Hmm … maybe forget what I said about badminton being harder than tennis? I would not want to face down any of these shots.
Some small relief—any match would be over extremely quickly; you would have no hope of returning a single serve from an Olympian. And you could probably avoid injuries by standing around and waiting for the ball to come in your general direction. (Spoiler alert: It wouldn’t.) Just don’t try too hard in the match and pull a Tashi Duncan. Most tennis injuries (like tendinosis and tennis elbow) come from overuse anyway—so if you’re lucky, maybe Novak Djokovic’s bad knee would come back to haunt him.
16. Taekwondo
This one doesn’t fall into “certain death” territory because you can do your best to avoid getting kicked in the face, even if that means running circles around the mat to evade your opponent. Unfortunately, though, they would probably wear you down and literally hook you with their leg to flatten you to the ground—and that’s a penalty for you! You might be able to tap your rival with your big toe before they absolutely demolish you—again and again. You’d be lucky to walk away from this with just a broken sense of self-worth.
15. Rowing
Sigh. Congrats on completely tanking the dreams of your rowing teammates, especially if you’re competing in the pair or double sculls events. You might be better off in the quadruple sculls or the eight, where you could just melt into the background. (Or be the coxswain? It can’t be that hard, right?) But, RIP, NBC describes the eight as one of “the most demanding races—on land or water—known to man.” Those rowers do look totally destroyed when they’re done. And sometimes, they can’t even finish!
Despite the humiliation and eternal animosity of your teammates, you should survive a rowing event mostly intact (except for that lactic acid buildup).
14. Mountain Biking
Luckily, many of us do know how to ride a bike! A small victory indeed. But the Olympic mountain biking course is supposed to take one or two hours to complete (that’s for an actual Olympian), and it’s mud, rocks, and shit all the way down (maybe literally, maybe not—the course was built on a former landfill). There’s an obstacle course in the race called “the giant stairs”; that’s not something I would walk (or ride) away from. I’d wipe out basically as soon as the race started and cause a 50-bike pileup, crushing the dreams of all the legitimate Olympians. Absolutely terrible.
13. Swimming
The biggest con about competing in swimming is that it’s one of the most globally popular sports in the Olympics. And for good reason! Watching Katie Ledecky pull ahead to unbelievable margins in the 1,500-meter makes you want to rip your shirt off and scream the praises of the most dominant among us.
Given those stakes, there’s an outsize sense of national pride tied up in Olympic swimming. As an American, I think it’s just so sweet watching an Australian lose in front of the whole world.
This spotlight is why swimming would be a uniquely miserable experience for a regular person at the Olympics. Sure, many of us could figure out the difference between the butterfly and the breaststroke. But could you live down the international infamy that comes with letting Australia not just beat you, but obliterate you (and the whole United States) in the pool? The 200-meter lasts about two minutes (well, probably more like six for you or me—the longest six minutes of our lives). Cate Campbell’s low-down, dirty insults will echo forever. As will Michael Phelps’s shaming:
12. Diving
You would probably survive this? Like so many of the other sports on this list, it wouldn’t be pretty, but it also wouldn’t necessarily be grisly (make sure to practice keeping your head clear of the diving board to avoid any serious injury). The 3-meter dive doesn’t seem that bad, even for the vertigo-afflicted among us.
The synchronized dive is really where you would stand out like a sore, bruised, and bleeding thumb. Like gymnastics or artistic swimming, this is a thing of beauty that would be irreparably maimed by the ugly presence of a normie.
And just like in beach volleyball, you’d let down the person who should be as close to you as a twin. For shame.
11. Artistic Gymnastics
To the surprise of no one, gymnastics is one of those Olympic sports that only the greatest, most dedicated, most heroic athletes can even attempt. Can you imagine doing any of this? Because I sure can’t.
If you or I attempted a floor routine, we’d look like 6-year-olds (and not a 6-year-old Simone Biles) doing self-choreographed ballet for our bored parents: maybe fun in the moment, but deeply embarrassing for everyone else. Like, you probably won’t actually die (as long as you don’t attempt the vault for real), but you will very likely experience ego death.
You Could Literally … Die?
10. Sailing
This event requires so much technical and navigational skill that it would be foolish to even attempt it. The outcome would be an immediate Rose-clinging-to-boat-debris situation—and that’s in calm conditions, not the choppy waters they had in 2016 in Rio.
At the very least, you can take solace in knowing that even seasoned sailors capsize sometimes (although they probably have the skill to, you know, avoid drowning in open water).
9. Judo
Oh, you’re so getting snapped. And it probably won’t end quickly either.
Unfortunately, a match lasts four minutes, even if you give up over and over. One option would be to commit a hansoku-make (or grave infraction) for unsportsmanlike conduct—that automatically disqualifies you from a match. Would crying and thrashing around on the mat get the job done?
8. Artistic Swimming
Remember those boys who made fun of synchronized swimmers at middle school pool parties? (If not, maybe I just went to school with particularly putrescent 12-year-old boys?) Yeah, this shit would kill those little fuckers.
Artistic swimming is mesmerizing, like mermaids coming to life from your sweetest dreams. A rando competitor would turn it into a deadly nightmare. Those underwater pivots would lead to certain death by drowning. And worst of all? Your death would be a real letdown for your gorgeous teammates, who have trained their whole lives for this.
Consider this your death spiral:
7. Equestrian
Another tough one to rank, especially because I was a proud horse girl (and Horse Illustrated subscriber and Breyer Horse collector) growing up. And because, of course, riding Rave Horse would be an absolute honor.
But there’s no denying that horses can be one of the most unpredictable and dangerous elements in the Olympics (besides, at least in these Games, Teahupo’o; more on that later). And inexperienced riders can be dangerous for the horse, too; see the controversy that arose at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics when a coach punched a horse with which she was unfamiliar. Beautiful as dressage or jumping may be, they’d be terrible for an inexperienced person (and an Olympian horse). Better stick to watching videos of the finest Olympians as they prepare for their overseas journey.
6. Triathlon
We’ve made it to that point in the ranking: We’re now on Seine dysentery watch. Paris Olympics officials (and, of course, the local mayor) insisted that the river was clean enough for the triathlon swim—even after days of rain churned up all the shit under the surface. (Belgian triathlete Jolien Vermeylen said, “While swimming under the bridge, I felt and saw things that we shouldn’t think about too much.” I’m imagining something like this.)
But, uh, maybe that’s the least of the regular person’s worries? (Just avoid washing your hands to really up that E. coli tolerance, I guess.) Don’t forget that the triathlon combines three sports (that a lot of people already hate and avoid) for the price of one: a 1,500-meter open-water swim, a 40K bike ride, and a 10K run to polish it all off.
Even if you can avoid swallowing the water (which you definitely can’t), that doesn’t mean you can avoid having someone’s foot in your face. There are, alas, no lanes in the Seine, and these athletes really crowd each other’s zones:
Although, now that I think about it, since you would be so far behind the field, thrashing in the Seine and potentially joining the other dead bodies in its grayish waters, some feet in your face might not be a problem!
If you did manage to survive the Seine, you’d have to emerge from the water (probably hours after everyone else) and then try to catch up on bike (without the benefit of drafting) and on foot (but there’s no crawling—not allowed, apparently!). Sorry, but I don’t think you’re ever even getting out of the Seine. If you’re lucky, you can find refuge on one of those huge boats in the river, where you can live down your shame in peace.
5. Wrestling
Wrestling is lower than judo and taekwondo in these rankings because of the messy, full-contact nature of the sport. Images of a python wrapping itself around a mouse come to mind when I picture you or myself taking the ring. Unlike the mouse, though, we’d probably survive; all we’d need to do is lie prone and accept the pindown, which automatically ends a wrestling period. So maybe this would be more like pretending you’re dead when a bear is attacking you? (Oh wait, you’re not supposed to do that? I guess you’re just fucked.)
4. Rugby
One time in high school, my gym teacher left my all-girls PE class to take a phone call in the middle of a flag football game. It turned into a full-out tackling contest. (There was, uh, some unresolved tension.) The ensuing chaos is probably a little similar to what it would look like if a regular person were dropped into an Olympic rugby game: screaming, hair-pulling, inevitable concussions. Rugby is physical and ridiculously fun to watch—but why don’t players wear helmets or any protective gear? (Apparently, it helps them avoid taking the head-related risks that are common in the NFL, but I don’t think a regular person would have the finesse to keep their head from rattling around the pitch like a loose rugby ball.)
In rugby, you seemingly avoid the tackle (and head injuries) only by running remarkably fast—probably not an option for you or me.
Still, it does seem like you can avoid getting grappled by just throwing the ball away at every opportunity and hoping it lands with one of your teammates. One of the benefits of a pass-heavy game! But yeah, a regular person is definitely getting concussed (or at least stiff-armed by Ilona Maher).
3. Boxing
This one is pretty obvious. A regular person would immediately get knocked out. (It might be a good idea to fake an injury to get yourself out of this one—if you want to keep your ear attached to your head, at least.) Male boxers aren’t even required to wear headgear anymore—which is supposedly safer? Any sport where protective gear is actually dangerous is probably not suitable for the average person. Say goodbye to your neurons, and maybe your ears!
2. Water Polo
Who doesn’t like splashing around in a pool with their best friends and bitterest rivals? Water polo summons forth childhood memories of Marco Polo, chicken, and “race to the other end of the pool and splash/kick/try to drown anyone who gets in your way.” And the goalie basically just has to wave their hand around and yell, right? That net is tiny!
But this would be so, so terrible. I’ll never forget the time a water polo player told me that toenail sharpening is a regular (if not particularly legal) practice. (Even though players are supposed to file down their nails … it seems like there’s only so much you can do.)
Actually, some scratches are better than someone trying to drown you with their powerful, battle-tested thighs. In 2011, Bleacher Report ranked water polo as the toughest sport; when you’re doing the butterfly or backstroke, your competitors aren’t also trying to, um, pull you to your demise.
And also, when we were playing Marco Polo as kids, we could just go to the shallow end when we got tired. Water polo players don’t get a shallow end.
You would go under due to overexertion, clawing, or both. Hopefully the refs would see you struggling and have someone pull you out? Your opponents might try to hide your body first, though.
1. Surfing
Oh, boy. The big kahuna, if you will. The sport that would definitely kill a regular person. Teahupo’o is a uniquely difficult wave to surf because of its strong swell, the result of a sudden change from deep to shallow water as the wave approaches the reef. Its nickname is literally “the end of the road” (or, you know, Teahupo’o’s actual translation, “WALL OF SKULLS”).
And, oh yeah, that reef. You know that instantly iconic shot of Brazilian surfer Gabriel Medina? He and the other surfers have been leaping over the lip of the wave to avoid being crushed into the reef that hides riiiight under the water (that reef, by the way, proved too dangerous for Colin Jost, who wasn’t even competing). When U.S. surfer Caroline Marks free-fell off the lip, the NBC announcer compared it to “jumping off a one-story building, landing on the cement, and somehow staying on your feet.” So, really, no good options here!
Jack Robinson had to be rescued from the wave by lifeguards on Jet Skis; he said it was like being in “an avalanche.” (Oh, and, as if the reef and killer waves weren’t enough, sharks and whales are just around, too.)
You might not even make it out of Teahupo’o if you were on a Jet Ski in the first place. Maybe you could just swim out past the wave and give your competitor priority, again and again—now that’s sportsmanlike conduct. But if that wave grabs you, it’s thrashing you around like you’re in a jumbo-size washing machine and never letting go. There’s no chance a regular person is getting on the board and riding a barrel; Teahupo’o owns you, not the other way around.
