From the moment Kendrick Lamar stared down the barrel of the camera in his best first-day-of-school Old Navy flares to say, “Say, Drake,” while grinning perhaps the most mischievous grin ever documented, we knew: Super Bowl LIX was brought to you by haters (and Rocket dot com or whatever). Because Kendrick knows the underlying truth behind thrusting people onto fields to exchange balls and strike one another with bodily force: Making nemeses out of the rest of humankind is one of the most motivating traditions we have. But handle with care—hateration is best utilized when kept within the confines of a field, a Grammy-winning track, or, of course, this dancery.
For two years, Jalen Hurts has kept a photo of himself surrounded by Chiefs confetti as a visceral red-and-yellow reminder of the Eagles’ loss to the Chiefs in Super Bowl LVII. This was always going to be a game of unfinished business. And between the Eagles’ unexpected and uncomplicated victory, the halftime show’s straightforward communications with America (and Canada), and the culturally rich setting that only New Orleans can provide, we didn’t just (psst) see dead people at the Super Bowl—we saw Serena Williams, Hurts, and the City of Brotherly Love C-walking on their haters’ graves (and then shimmying up the closest light pole to continue the celebratory wake).
Let’s get into the other pop culture moments of celebration and defeat in and around the Caesars Superdome on Sunday night …
Winner: Tubi, Whatever That May Be
Was streaming one of our nation’s greatest pastimes on something called Tubi a little like watching the Super Bowl on an episode of 30 Rock where Jack has forced Liz into a product placement deal with the devil (Jenna thinks she’s dating Travis Kelce, but it turns out to be Clay Travis)? Sure. But this is the world we live in now. Movies are on Mubi, television is on Tubi, free television is (was) on Freevee, and if you want to stream a live sports match on Netflix, well, I hope you like seeing Mike Tyson’s butt.
Surprisingly, however, Fox’s streaming service, Tubi, ran into no such technical issues during the Super Bowl. The big game, watched by tens of millions of people around the world, streamed directly into our living rooms with crystal-clear resolution and hardly a glitch in sight. Plus, after the game, instead of having to watch whatever The Floor hosted by Rob Lowe is, Tubi streamers got to watch Lauren Graham’s new show, which lightly pokes fun at … sort of everything that Tubi and its Gen-Z-chasing ilk stand for. Thanks, Tubi!
Loser: That Score Bug
Fox, however, has some explaining to do. I don’t believe that a graphic design choice has been so universally and immediately disliked since Gap crowdsource swapped its classic logo for one that made it look like a cybersecurity firm.
In a brief moment of gratitude, I’ll say thank you, though, because I didn’t even know what a “score bug” was until someone in the Fox design department got a little too carried away with minimalism and accidentally made the lower third of the Super Bowl broadcast look like a cellphone screen designed for old people. Something about those scores being just out there, floating in space, was a little unmooring. To quote Severance: “They were scary. The numbers were scary.”
Draw: Unexpected Celebrity Pairings
Perhaps they were filling a void where movie trailers should have been, but the celebrity cameos at this year’s Super Bowl seemed particularly random. David Beckham and Matt Damon as long-lost brothers in a Stella Artois ad? OK, sure! Fun! The Super Bowl cameras’ constant cuts to Pete Davidson and Kevin Costner chatting in the stands, lightly suggesting that Costner is Davidson’s latest in a line of unexpected paramours? I am looking, respectfully. On the other hand, Snoop Dogg and Tom Brady teaming up to scream in each other’s faces for Stand Up to Hate shortly after Snoop Dogg shocked fans by performing at President Donald Trump’s inauguration was … a little less sought after. And there are surely good reasons to assemble Hollywood’s Chrises (and Kris)—I assume mostly for avenging and/or wood-splitting purposes—but shilling for Ray-Ban Meta glasses doesn’t feel like one of them. Barry Keoghan in Banshees of Inisherin drag for Squarespace two years after that movie premiered is about as unexpected as you can get. Childish Gambino’s subversive “This Is America” in a weight-loss drug commercial—what is going on?!
However, whoever binged the absurdist comic stylings of Tim Robinson and Sam Richardson in Detroiters over the winter holidays and immediately thought, “Let’s get them in a Super Bowl commercial for pizza rolls”—you deserve a raise. And the most complicated Dan Flashes pattern that per diem money can buy. Rest in peace, Chazmo.
Winner: Everyone Watches Women’s Sports
One Super Bowl commercial and its megastars completely hit the mark, though. Nike’s first Super Bowl ad in 27 years featured Caitlin Clark, A’ja Wilson, Sabrina Ionescu, Jordan Chiles, Sha’Carri Richardson, and Sophia Smith rolling their eyes at all the things people say that women athletes can’t do—paired with visuals of them actually doing it.
Narrated by Doechii (big Grammy winner representation at the Super Bowl this year), the meaning was clear: “You can’t flex, so flex. You can’t fill a stadium, so fill that stadium. You can’t be emotional, so be emotional. … Whatever you do, you can’t win. So win.” Now that’s a message worth advertising.
Loser: An Excess of Body Horror
But hey, what’s worth advertising on television’s most expensive night is pretty subjective! What else could account for Tubi’s fleshy cowboy hats used to advertise a streaming service? (OK, so I guess Tubi’s night wasn’t flawless.) What else could account for Seal the singer being turned into an actual seal-centaur in the name of Mountain Dew? Surely this is not the first time such an idea has been pitched to Seal, but for some reason, he finally said yes to it. And just so happened to relent in the same year that eyebrows and mustaches were flying off of people’s faces in two separate commercials, as though Little Caesars and Pringles got scammed by a Don Draper–esque variant of the shoddy “spirit fingers” choreographer from Bring It On.
This Super Bowl was a body horror extravaganza, and I guess we can only assume it’s because most marketing departments around the nation are rooting for The Substance to sweep the Oscars.
Winner: Flare Jeans
Before we get into Kendrick Lamar’s actual halftime show, let’s make one thing extremely clear: This man, who looks like the physical representation of a cinnamon roll that got to make one wish to be turned into a real boy, but who raps like a machine gun reincarnated into a poem … rolled onto the nation’s largest stage … wearing bell bottoms.
Contrary to previous statements, Kendrick’s jeans weren’t actually purchased with Old Navy Super Cash but were designed by Celine. The jeans, while a deeply unexpected pant choice, have been widely regarded as a fashion success, not only because nothing could have been less expected than K.Dot showing up in a bootcut to perform a lyrical murder—but because real ones know that while the millennial skinny jeans and Gen Z Big Wide Pants™ may come and go, flares are forever.
Winner: Pulitzer Prize Winner and Generational Hater Kendrick Lamar
Kendrick Lamar, the first solo rapper to ever headline the Super Bowl, introduced himself thusly: “The revolution is about to be televised, you picked the right time, but the wrooong guy.” There would be very little made more sanitary and palatable about Kendrick’s show, very few comforts in conformity. Nostalgic pant choice aside, Kendrick gave us one of the most present Super Bowl halftime shows of all time. I mean, he kicked the whole thing off with an unreleased song in which he debuted yet-to-be-heard lyrics. He eschewed coasting on his legacy with older hits to rap about the world he knows now.
He had Samuel L. Jackson, the nation’s unc, playing Uncle Sam, the United States personified, and saying everything some actual uncle or aunt might say on Facebook before they could say it themselves: Kendrick is too loud, too reckless, too ghetto. He rapped “Humble” while standing between a divided American flag made up of all Black male dancers. With seemingly no backing track, his breath control was flawless for 13 minutes straight as he rapped new bars, did his little dances and call-and-responds with the dancers, and edited out curses as necessary …
But Kendrick pulled almost no punches on the specific and final subject of his haterade, Drake—who, let’s be clear, was playing the game too until he got outplayed. Drake was outmatched when “Not Like Us” dropped last year; outplayed at the Grammys, where “Not Like Us” took home five gramophones and an audience of Drake’s peers sang along to the notorious line “tryna strike a chord and it’s probably A minoooor”; and laid bare in the completion of Kendrick’s offensive drive at the Super Bowl halftime show, for which the sound editors were prepared, un-muting the in-stadium audience just briefly enough to hear 65,000 people sing along this time.
“Not Like Us” was teased in the middle of the set—only for Kendrick to squash the beat, lest he inflame his opponent’s hot penchant for litigiousness. Of course, soon after that, Kendrick was looking down the camera with a Puck-like grin to address the recipient of his diss track by name— “Say, Drake?”—just like he knew we wanted. But no one, I mean no one, was expecting Kendrick to then bring out Drake’s ex (and another person Drake started beef with in his own lyrics), Serena Williams, to bust out—in Chucks!—the best, most gleeful Crip walk of her career, finally closing the book on this battle that became a war, that became a beatdown. GAME OVER.
Loser: Drake
Draw: Taylor Swift
There are two things about the Super Bowl one can be sure of: You’re going to have to watch some weird Jesus commercials, and if Taylor Swift is there, she’s going to have a few pop culture moments. The obvious low was Swift being booed by the crowd when she was first shown on the jumbotron:
But she reacted the only way you can in the face of unexpected haters (read: adrenaline-fueled people from Philadelphia): laugh it off with Ice Spice and keep cheering for your boyfriend who will be embarrassing you tonight. Certainly the second-toughest moment of the broadcast was when the camera panned over to Swift during the second quarter, with the Chiefs yet to score a touchdown, and Kevin Burkhardt offhandedly said, “Taylor Swift in attendance … but she hasn’t had much to celebrate because Travis Kelce hasn’t caught a ball.” But at least she was wearing jorts at the time, proving that it was simply never that serious. Every year can’t be a love story of rom-com proportions.
Winner: Philly, Baby
Bradley Cooper has said he’d gladly take an Eagles Super Bowl over an Oscar win, and given that the Birds won, and he actually introduced the team at the Super Bowl, he must feel like he’s won a lifetime achievement award. Indeed, between the A-listers clad in green, the timely Abbott Elementary–It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia crossover (plus Abbott Elementary star Jalen Hurts winning MVP), and the underdog win that wasn’t actually so underdog in the end, it’s a good time to be from Philly, to know someone from Philly, or to simply enjoy the glow of Anne Hathaway (Princess of Genovia and previously undercover Eagles fan) with a green sweater effortlessly thrown over her shoulders, radiating joy as the Eagles decimate Patrick Mahomes.
Because unless you had a really good reason (you’re the mayor of Kansas City; you’re Taylor Swift), it became increasingly more difficult over the course of this game to root against a group that loves their city so much that they instinctively want to destroy it in times of celebration. Like when a toddler is so excited to see you that they bite the shit out of your shoulder. So grease those light poles, pad your shoulders, and get ready for a week of celebration in the streets. Because there’s more than one way to win the Super Bowl.
