It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
Between the Luka Doncic and Jimmy Butler trades, the head coach firings late into the season, and the literal last-second jockeying for postseason position, this NBA season was one of the most wild in recent memory, and hopefully the playoffs will follow the same unpredictable script. And if that holds true, then there will be ample room for negativity.
Welcome to The Hater’s Guide to the NBA Playoffs, Volume 2! As is tradition, this is the yearly column where I, The Ringer’s resident timeline trooper, go through every first-round matchup to see the potential each series has to be unserious and ripe to be made fun of online. I rate each series from 1 to 10 on the Hate and Toxicity Evidence Ratio Index (a.k.a. the H.A.T.E.R. Index). Let’s say that you’re a Dallas Mavericks fan and you’re suddenly looking for a new team. You can use this guide to help determine which non-Mavericks series to pay attention to in order to feel something, anything again. The lower the rating, the less fun you’ll have as an outside fan watching and enjoying the series on social media. The higher the rating, the more the memes will fly.
You want positivity? Listen to Zach Lowe.
If not, keep reading and get ready to let the hate flow through you.
Eastern Conference
(1) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. (8) Miami Heat
A.k.a the LeBron James Bowl. Winner gets to retire no. 23. Oh wait—
Seriously, though, it’s wild to think about how both teams have rebounded after LeBron left them. The Heat eventually went and got Jimmy Butler, who led them to two surprising NBA Finals appearances, while the Cavaliers have retooled spectacularly, led by a group of young stars in Donovan Mitchell, Darius Garland, and Evan Mobley and coached by Coach of the Year favorite Kenny Atkinson.
The thing is, the Cavs have actually managed to keep those key pieces around.
The Heat do not.
After trading Jimmy Buckets to Golden State, the Heat went into absolute free fall, losing 10 in a row at one point to fall into the play-in. On the flip side, the Cavs are a juggernaut, with multiple winning streaks of 12-plus games this season, including a franchise-record 16 straight, giving them the best record in non-LeBron Cavs history. They are quite literally built different.
It would be something to see Miami pull off some Heat Culture nonsense so that fans could have a top-seed to point at and laugh. Unfortunately, the only thing folks will be laughing at is how quickly this series will be over.
H.A.T.E.R. Index: 2/10
(4) Indiana Pacers vs. (5) Milwaukee Bucks
This feels familiar, doesn’t it?
The Pacers and Bucks will meet in the playoffs for the second consecutive year, and things could get heated quickly. Who could forget Tyrese Haliburton mocking Damian Lillard’s “Dame Time” celebration during the in-season tournaments last year or the Pacers reportedly stealing the game ball from Giannis after he dropped a franchise-record 64 points? Now, we’re in for a hell of a rematch.
The constant theme in this matchup and what keeps it from hitting the high-water mark is injuries. Last year, Antetokounmpo missed the face-off with a calf injury. Dame will miss Game 1 this year, but there’s been positive news about his blood clot condition, and he could be back soon. If both teams are healthy, who has the edge? This has a chance to be one for the books.
H.A.T.E.R. Index: 9/10
(3) New York Knicks vs. (6) Detroit Pistons
After several legendary clashes in the ’80s and ’90s, the Knicks and Pistons will face off in the playoffs for the first time in 33 years.
Things have changed enormously since the last time these two teams met in the playoffs: Back then, Blockbuster was still around, people didn’t have mini supercomputers in their pockets, and a beefy five-layer burrito still cost 89 cents. But one thing has stayed the same: These two teams still have that DAWG in them.
Both the Knicks and the Pistons pride themselves on getting things started on the defensive end, while the offenses are led by each team’s young All-Star point guards, Jalen Brunson and Cade Cunningham. Basically, you have two teams that are on the same side of the same coin.
Ultimately, that doesn’t lead to great watchability for a hater, but there’ll be a guy on the court whose nickname actually has the word beef in it, so you never really know, do you?
H.A.T.E.R. Index: 5/10
(2) Boston Celtics vs. (7) Orlando Magic
On the surface, this matchup looks like a total mismatch, but if you look a little deeper … no, it’s still a total mismatch, but maybe slightly less so?
Since the 2022-23 season, only one team has had a better winning percentage against the Celtics than the Magic. For whatever reason, the Magic have been a thorn in Boston’s side despite the disparity in high-end talent between the two.
Who among us wouldn’t get a hell of a laugh from watching the defending champions go home in the first round? (OK, I can think of one guy.) The problem, however, is that it’s HIGHLY unlikely to happen. Even with the injuries to Jaylen Brown and Jrue Holiday, this shouldn’t be a series that gets so interesting it inspires many jokes. (Unless, of course, we get the Game 1 Orlando Magic. Then anything is possible.)
H.A.T.E.R. Index: 3/10
Western Conference
(1) Oklahoma City Thunder vs. (8) Memphis Grizzlies
If someone had told you in early February that this series was going to happen, you would have thought it’d be in the Western Conference finals. The Thunder were head and shoulders above the rest of the West, but just before the trade deadline, the Memphis Grizzlies were right behind them:
Obviously, things kept going well for the Thunder and took a turn for the Grizzlies, eventually leading them to fire Taylor Jenkins and put Tuomas Iisalo in charge (and I have to assume that in another timeline he’s the substitute teacher who isn’t mad, just disappointed).
Overall, this series doesn’t have much to offer in the way of jokes. Despite the Grizzlies’ solid advanced stats during crunch time, they’re always primed to make a boneheaded play that costs them the game, as we have seen very recently:
H.A.T.E.R. Index: 4/10
(4) Denver Nuggets vs. (5) Los Angeles Clippers
Talk about two teams headed in opposite directions.
Led by the fine-wine pairing of James Harden and Kawhi Leonard, the Clippers turned it all the way up heading into the playoffs. They have won 18 of their past 21 games, and in the final game of the year, the duo combined for 72 points, 17 assists, and 13 rebounds to secure a top-six seed in the postseason.
The Nuggets, on the other hand, are in free fall both on and off the court. Even though Nikola Jokic has had a career year, it’s been a rocky finish for the team. Injuries have piled up, as has frustration, leading the Nuggets to fire both head coach Michael Malone and GM Calvin Booth in the final week of the regular season. Not exactly ideal.
But the idea of Russell Westbrook sending L.A. home (not because of his own wrongdoings, but in a different team’s jersey!) and the Clippers clippin’ is pretty funny. And Jokic going home in the first round and potentially accepting the MVP via satellite from Serbia is even funnier. We’ve got some potential here.
H.A.T.E.R. Index: 7/10
(3) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (6) Minnesota Timberwolves
There’s beef here, but the funny part is that the Lakers are barely involved.
During the Mavericks’ run to the NBA Finals last year, Doncic was an absolute menace against the Wolves defense, torching them for an average of 32 points, 10 boards, and eight dimes per game in a gentleman’s sweep.
Oh, and he also did this:
With one shot, Luka made himself persona non grata in Minnesota, and I imagine it’ll be even worse when he comes back to Target Center donning the purple and gold reminiscent of Minneapolis’s original basketball franchise.
This matchup is already prime for potential jokes, but add in bonus Lakers hate, bonus LeBron hate, and bonus Rudy Gobert hate, and you’re working a potent mixture that could provide basketball fans with content for weeks.
H.A.T.E.R. Index: 8/10
(2) Houston Rockets vs. (7) Golden State Warriors
Since adding Jimmy Buckets, the Warriors have been on an absolute tear. Golden State finished the season with a record of 23-8, trailing only the Thunder and Celtics for best winning percentage over that span.
It’s wild what happens when you get Steph Curry a competent costar.
On the other hand, the Rockets have been one of the brightest stories in the league this season. After averaging about 28 wins per year over the past three seasons, they’ve officially flipped the script, finishing their ’24-25 campaign with 52 wins and a top-two seed in the wild, wild West.
But that’s not why we’re here. What makes both of these teams special is that they each have a floor general who isn’t their team's best player. The series will be determined by the mental battle between each team’s talisman, their vibe minister, their tone-setter, if you will.
Draymond Green vs. Dillon Brooks.
This means something to me, man. This is Frazier vs. Ali in their prime, Brady vs. Manning in Foxborough in January, Nadal vs. Federer in their fifth set at Wimbledon—if all those guys were known more for their antics and dirty plays than for what they actually do to contribute on the basketball court. The only way we could make this specific matchup better is if, when one team is up for elimination, they announce the starting lineups, and as they get ready to tip off, the loud sound of glass breaking comes over the sound system. The arena goes dark and one light shines in the corner as Pat Bev runs out, suited up for the team facing elimination.
Adam Silver, call me.
Real battles will be fought. It will be absolute cinema. To quote one of the greatest coaches in European football, Pep Guardiola, “We will be there.”
H.A.T.E.R. Index: 9/10
