Editor’s note: The first round of the NFL draft will take place on Thursday outside Lambeau Field in Green Bay. In the most, um, creative mock draft on the internet, we’ll let you know exactly how things will play out.
8 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell kicks off the draft by marveling at the raucous crowd in Green Bay. He invites Packers president and chief executive officer Mark Murphy onstage to congratulate him for facilitating the event. Murphy looks out into the crowd and is surprised to be greeted by hundreds of bare butt cheeks pointed right at him. Busloads of Eagles fans, irate with Murphy’s crusade to ban the tush push, made the trip from Philadelphia to Green Bay and decided to coordinate a group mooning live on national TV.
Unsure how to respond to the bizarre spectacle, Goodell says simply: “That’s a lot of cushion for the pushin’.”
Nobody laughs.
“OK, the Tennessee Titans are on the clock with the number one pick in the 2025 NFL draft.”
8:09 p.m.: The Titans have known which player they’ll be picking for weeks. They need a quarterback, and Miami’s Cam Ward has the upside they desire. But with the clock winding down, the Titans still haven’t turned in their selection. Why? The New York Giants keep calling with increasingly aggressive offers to move up from the third spot.
Back in East Rutherford, New Jersey, general manager Joe Schoen is trying to figure out how much he’s willing to give up to land Ward. The Titans’ final request: They’ll swap the first-rounders, but they also want 34 (second round), 65 (third round), and the Giants’ 2026 first. It’s a classic “Make us an offer we can’t refuse” scenario. Schoen wants to do it. Going into the 2026 season in job-saving mode with Jameis Winston and Russell Wilson would be the saddest moment in Giants history since last offseason’s Hard Knocks. Or since the Tommy DeVito charade. Or since the Joe Judge quarterback sneak. OK, let’s be honest: There have been a lot of sad moments in recent Giants history.
Team co-owner John Mara tries to stay out of the way, but he remembers what happened last year when he took that approach with Saquon Barkley’s free agency. He thinks the price is way too steep, especially considering how good next year’s quarterback class projects to be. Just as Schoen is about to call Titans general manager Mike Borgonzi with the Godfather offer, Mara smacks the phone out of his hands.
“We can’t do it, Joe,” Mara says.
He then texts Eli Manning: Tell Arch the plan is still in place. We’ll be waiting for him! [three fire emoji]
The Titans, finally, call in the Ward pick.
8:27 p.m.: At no. 2, the Cleveland Browns go with Colorado’s Travis Hunter. They’ll start him off at wide receiver and then decide whether he can handle some defensive responsibilities. After the failed attempt to trade up to no. 1, the Giants are on the clock at no. 3. Now they’re looking to trade back. Late in the draft process, the Giants held a private workout with Colorado quarterback Shedeur Sanders. They have no intention of taking Sanders but are hoping to fool a team into trading up. So far, nobody’s biting.
As they wait, Mara texts Bill Belichick: Just confirming, we definitely want Carter, right?
Belichick hearts the message. He and his girlfriend spend the rest of the evening dining on “lobster” and looking up North Jersey real estate on Redfin ahead of their 2026 move. Penn State edge defender Abdul Carter is the Giants’ pick at no. 3.
8:40 p.m.: The first three picks pretty much went according to plan. But now is when the draft really begins. The Patriots were hoping that, by some miracle, Hunter or Carter would fall to them, but that didn’t happen. Now they move on to plan B, and the draft room is split. Mike Vrabel wants LSU offensive lineman Will Campbell. But the scouting staff, led by Eliot Wolf, wants Missouri offensive tackle Armand Membou. Vrabel, feeling like this is the perfect moment to assert his authority, puts his foot down, calls in the Campbell pick, and tells Wolf he’s fired.
“Does he even have the authority to do that?” Wolf asks owner Robert Kraft, who is asleep in the corner of the draft room. Vrabel looks at Wolf and points to the exit door. It’s a new era in New England.
8:47 p.m.: The Jacksonville Jaguars are up with the fifth pick. ESPN’s broadcast flashes to Jacksonville’s draft room and shows new general manager James Gladstone. Stephen A. Smith is helping with ESPN’s draft coverage this year and, not realizing that his mic is on, blurts out: “WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?” The draft-viewing audience across America nods in unison.
Gladstone is trying to decide whether Jacksonville should go with Membou or Michigan defensive tackle Mason Graham, but new head coach Liam Coen keeps distracting him. This has been an ongoing issue since they started working together. Coen keeps making Full House references to Gladstone, who has no idea what the coach is talking about.
“Hey, James, is this table made out of … wood?”
“Hey, James, cut … it … out.”
Gladstone has asked Coen to stop, but to no avail. With time winding down, he finally calls in the pick. It’ll be Graham. The Jaguars room erupts in applause as the pick is announced on TV. Just as everyone quiets down, Coen makes eye contact with Gladstone: “Haaaave mercy.”
8:55 p.m.: Trade alert! The Las Vegas Raiders are on the clock at no. 6, but they get a call to move back. The New York Jets were hoping that either Campbell, Graham, or Membou would fall to them at seven. Now they’re not sure that’ll happen, so they decide to get aggressive. The Jets send a fourth-round pick to the Raiders to move up one spot, and they snag Membou.
As new Jets head coach Aaron Glenn waits for the pick to be announced, he calls over an intern and asks for his phone. Glenn sends a text to Aaron Rodgers: Hey, we’ve discussed it further, and we’d love to have you.
“Who is this?” Rodgers responds.
Glenn sends over a GIF of Sonny Weaver Jr. from Draft Day. He shows the intern the back-and-forth, and they both keel over in laughter.
9:06 p.m.: With an extra pick in their pocket, the Raiders are on the clock at no. 7. There’s one player everyone is on board with: Boise State running back Ashton Jeanty. Pete Carroll loves the idea of getting a new version of Marshawn Lynch. Tom Brady believes that a strong run game can make Geno Smith’s life easier. New general manager John Spytek has Jeanty as the top-graded player on his board. And owner Mark Davis believes that Jeanty can become a fan favorite.
They take one last look at some Jeanty highlights, and Carroll looks over at Brady.
“You think I could tackle him?”
Brady laughs nervously, not realizing that Carroll is serious.
“I’d take his ass down,” Carroll says.
9:38 p.m.: In a bit of a surprise, the Carolina Panthers select Penn State tight end Tyler Warren eighth. They wanted to get help for Bryce Young and ultimately just followed their board, which had Warren as the best available prospect.
The drama builds with the New Orleans Saints up at no. 9. Will they be the Sanders team? Goodell steps up to the podium as everyone looks on. It’s a quarterback, but it’s not Sanders! The Saints go with Ole Miss’s Jaxson Dart! A stunner. Not quite Michael Penix Jr. 2.0, but pretty close. Saints fans don’t know how to react. On the one hand, they don’t have to watch Derek Carr play football anymore. On the other hand, the team just took Jaxson Dart with the ninth pick.
At no. 10, the Bears were hoping for some help for Caleb Williams, but the best available player on their board is Georgia defensive end Mykel Williams, and they don’t want to force a need. Earlier this month, Bears head coach Ben Johnson earned some points with the nerds when he mentioned the importance of expected points added in the passing game. The PR was so good that he’s decided to lean completely into the bit. During a press conference, Johnson is asked about Mykel Williams’s potential impact in 2025.
“EPA, am I right?” Johnson says.
How will he be used?
“E to the P to the A, big dog.”
What are the team’s plans for the rest of its picks?
“We’re hunting for some EPA pirates, and don’t you forget it!”
Just like that, the nerds have their new king. May his reign be more successful than Brandon Staley’s.
9:59 p.m.: The San Francisco 49ers go with Texas A&M edge rusher Shemar Stewart at 11. The picks have fallen perfectly for the Dallas Cowboys at no. 12. They were hoping that Arizona wide receiver Tetairoa McMillan would be there for them, and he is. The Cowboys send in the pick, and Jerry Jones gets on the phone with McMillan. But this is no longer just Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. This is Landman Jerry Jones.
“A lot of things happen that you can’t plan for, young man,” Jones tells a confused McMillan.
“Uh, OK, sir.”
“Listen, I made my mind up a long time ago that I was gonna work with my kids. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
Unsure of whether he is being pranked, McMillan hangs up and turns his attention to Goodell. The pick is announced, and he finds out that he is indeed headed to Dallas.
10:20 p.m.: At 13, the Miami Dolphins go with Michigan cornerback Will Johnson. The Indianapolis Colts have the 14th pick, and they select Michigan tight end Colston Loveland. Earlier in the offseason, when they were brainstorming ways to help Anthony Richardson with his accuracy, someone brought up the idea of adding tall pass catchers exclusively. A Richardson pass might be too high for a 6-foot-1 wide receiver, but that same pass to a 6-foot-6 tight end? It would hit him right in the chest. Everyone agreed it was a brilliant strategy. Loveland moved up Indy’s board, and they were thrilled to land him at 14.
At pick 15, Falcons general manager Terry Fontenot thought it would be hilarious if he stunned everyone once again and went with a quarterback, but he decided that might not be wise for job security, so he instead went with Georgia edge rusher Jalon Walker.
10:42 p.m.: The drama is now really building. NFL Network’s cameras stay focused on Sanders in between every pick. Will a team trade up for him? Is there a chance that Sanders will fall out of the first round altogether? At 16, the Arizona Cardinals go with Oregon defensive tackle Derrick Harmon. And at 17, the Cincinnati Bengals take Ole Miss defensive tackle Walter Nolen.
At 18, the Seahawks are expected to take the best available offensive lineman. But wait! We have a trade! Seattle is moving back three spots to 21, swapping with the Steelers. Since the Seahawks already have 10 picks in this draft and the Steelers have only six, Pittsburgh gives up a 2026 third-rounder in the deal. The Steelers take a dart throw on Sanders as an inexpensive, long-term solution at quarterback, and the Seahawks add valuable future draft capital.
At 19, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers take Alabama linebacker Jihaad Campbell. And at 20, the Denver Broncos select Texas wide receiver Matthew Golden. That puts the Seahawks back on the clock. They get the offensive lineman they were prepared to take at 18: Texas’s Kelvin Banks Jr. During the press conference that night, a reporter asks general manager John Schneider if he thinks the 25th time is the charm.
“What do you mean?” Schneider responds.
The reporter explains that Schneider drafted two-time Pro Bowler Russell Okung with his first pick as the Seahawks GM back in 2010. Since then, Schneider has drafted 24 offensive linemen, and none have made a single Pro Bowl. After hearing the explanation, Schneider pauses, picks up a banana that is sitting on a desk near the podium, and whips it at the reporter’s head.
“Next question,” he says.
11:01 p.m.: At 22, Jim Harbaugh and the Los Angeles Chargers select Michigan (of course) defensive tackle Kenneth Grant. And at 23, the Green Bay Packers go with Marshall edge rusher Mike Green. At 24, the Minnesota Vikings try desperately to move back. They have a league-low four selections in this draft and are trying to accumulate more. But they can’t find a trade partner, so they stay put and select South Carolina safety Nick Emmanwori.
11:28 p.m.: At 25, the Houston Texans land on Ohio State offensive tackle Josh Simmons. At 26, Los Angeles Rams general manager Les Snead realizes it’s pretty fun to have first-round picks. Why didn’t anyone tell him sooner? The Rams settle on Ohio State wide receiver Emeka Egbuka. The film nerds rejoice, pulling all-22 clips that show how Egbuka can perfectly slide into the Cooper Kupp role in the Rams offense.
At 27, the Baltimore Ravens don’t overthink it and take Georgia safety Malaki Starks. The universal reaction online is: THEY CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!
The Detroit Lions land on Alabama guard Tyler Booker at 28. And the Washington Commanders select Texas defensive back Jahdae Barron at 29. This pick is immediately awarded “steal of the draft” status by the football hipsters.
11:45 p.m.: We are down to our last three picks. The Buffalo Bills select Boston College edge rusher Donovan Ezeiruaku, and the Kansas City Chiefs take Oregon offensive tackle Josh Conerly Jr.
With the Philadelphia Eagles up at 32, general manager Howie Roseman gets a call from Schneider. The Seahawks were debating between Banks and North Dakota State offensive lineman Grey Zabel at 18. They settled on Banks, but now Schneider is feeling the heat to shore up Sam Darnold’s protection and can’t pass up the opportunity to try to land both players. He offers Roseman a second-round pick (no. 50) and a 2026 third to move up to 32. Roseman is good with the compensation, but as part of the deal, he insists that Schneider texts the GM group chat and lets everyone know: “Howie is my [goat emoji]!” Reluctantly, Schneider agrees. And the Seahawks select Zabel. (On Friday, Roseman will use pick no. 50 to select Minnesota offensive tackle Aireontae Ersery.)
As the clock approaches midnight, Roseman puffs on a cigar in his dark office, takes stock of all the praise he’s receiving online for his brilliant draft-day maneuverings, and whispers to himself, “It’s Howie szn, motherfuckers.” And just like that, the first round of the 2025 NFL draft is in the books.
