For modern cinephiles who don’t live in a major metropolitan area, the moviegoing choices are relatively rote: It’s superheroes, Star Wars, or bust. Just look at what’s playing right now: Do you want to watch Deadpool 2, which came out this weekend? If you wait another week, you can check out Solo: A Star Wars Story. Or you can always … rewatch Avengers: Infinity War. There’s no denying it: Blockbusters are becoming increasingly homogenized, and as fun as it can be to watch Giant Purple Josh Brolin punch Robert Downey Jr. in the face, sometimes you want your major motion pictures to have a little more flair and originality.
Thankfully, there is one franchise to rule them all (no, not that one), and it knows gun-fu. We are less than 365 days away from John Wick 3, the third installment of the Why the Fuck Did You Kill His Dog? franchise that’s revitalized the career of Keanu Reeves and introduced mainstream American audiences to the hyperkinetic brilliance of Hong Kong–style martial arts, plus dudes in bespoke suits wielding two pistols at once.
If you’ve watched John Wick and John Wick: Chapter 2—congratulations, you are enlightened. If you haven’t and need a Wick sampler, might I interest you in Reeves’s John Wick murdering Connerty from Billions (he was an accomplice in puppy murder, so don’t feel bad about it!), some literal Red Shirt mobsters, and scaring the ever-loving shit out of Game of Thrones’ resident sadboy Theon Greyjoy? This is my #MondayMotivation.
Now that we’re on the same gory page, let’s talk John Wick 3. It’s due to arrive on May 17, 2019, which is, unfortunately, 361 days away. Yes, I’m counting. The film’s going to kick off right after the events of the sequel, which saw Wick excommunicated from the Continental—the hotel chain that serves as Assassin HQ, kind of like a lodging equivalent of Fortnite’s Party Bus—and running for his life while seemingly all of New York City conspires to kill him.
Thankfully, Lionsgate has given us a worthy salve to our Wickian needs by announcing new additions to John Wick’s star-studded cast on Monday. First, Halle Berry will play “Sofia,” who The Hollywood Reporter notes will not be the movie’s villain, but Berry does have top billing next to Reeves. I’m calling it now: Sofia is John’s ex-flame from a DESTINATION WEDDING that’s his last resort to escape the city.
But Berry’s just the tip of the iceberg: We’re also getting Asia Kate Dillon as the Adjudicator, Anjelica Huston as the Director, Mark Dacascos as Zero, and Jason Mantzoukas as Tick Tock Man. The writers clearly ingested ayahuasca. I love it.
Tick Tock Man! This name could indicate many things, but I’m going to narrow it down to two possibilities: Either he’s equipped with lots of bombs (tick tock, motherfucker!), or, like Samara from The Ring, tells you when he’s going to kill you, and your life becomes a ticking clock. Not all heroes have Oscar nominations!
Clearly John Wick and Billions have the same casting agent, but Dillon is another great add. What exactly will the Adjudicator adjudicate? Do no-scope headshots need court rulings? I don’t know and I don’t care: Asia Kate Dillon should be in more good things.
Returning to the series are Ian McShane as Winston, who runs New York’s Continental; Lance Reddick as Continental concierge Charon, who will definitely kill someone because why else do you cast Lance Reddick in an action trilogy and only have him babysit dogs?; and Laurence Fishburne, whose character I never realized was called Bowery King. He’s got a hobo army … and he’s based in Bowery. I haven’t a clue what the John Wick writing staff is getting paid, but they need a raise.
You can have your Star Wars; your Marvel Cinematic Universe. I have the Baba Yaga. The cinematic event of 2018 is the inevitable trailer drop for John Wick 3, and until then, going to the movies is a futile exercise with exactly zero pencil murders. See you in 361 days.
