This week in “Too much money and not enough sense,” the Dallas Cowboys debuted the latest attraction at AT&T Stadium: an AI-driven hologram of owner Jerry Jones. What a preposterous sentence! I swear this is a real thing.
From the looks of it, Hologram Jerry lives in a box somewhere inside the stadium, and for the low, low price of $55, you can “meet” and ask him questions as part of something called the “Owner’s Experience,” which I assume just involves getting plastered on scotch and complaining about running back pay. Obviously, no one asked for this—or, well, presumably just one person did. I would pay far more than $55 to see the Cowboys intern group chat on whatever day the Organic Jerry called this meeting to pitch turning himself into a bot. Either that’s how this happened, or it’s actually just the real one back there, looking for people to talk to.
Below you can watch some hostages visitors of the exhibit as they ask Hologram Jerry questions absolutely no one cares about, like “Why did you choose AT&T to be your naming rights partner?” Hologram Jerry just says something about America and Alexander Graham Bell.
The Cowboys also recommend asking Hologram Jerry about going to college at Arkansas or buying the team. These are bad questions.
Here are 20 better ones I would ask:
- First, are we in hell?
- How many times has Real Jerry visited you in the middle of the night, just to reminisce?
- Which has been your favorite playoff loss?
- Who would win in a fistfight between you and AI Jimmy Johnson?
- What’s your favorite thing about Mike McCarthy?
- The 1960s. Your thoughts?
- Was Jason Garrett also just a bot the whole time?
- Why did you choose Smoothie King as the official smoothie partner of the Dallas Cowboys?
- You knew my mother in the 1990s. Would you be willing to take a blood test?
- How ’bout them Cowboys?!
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- Why was Ezekiel Elliott playing center?
- Do you have any plans to become sentient and take over the Cowboys?
- Has Real Jerry asked you to become sentient and take over the Cowboys, thus ensuring that he’ll have the perpetual ability to make unilateral roster decisions?
- Who’s higher up in Real Jerry’s will, you or Stephen Jones?
- Did Dez catch it?
- Are you Real Jerry’s no. 1 boy?
- Does pineapple belong on pizza?
- Will you also be getting your own radio show?
- Do you get to join Real Jerry on the yacht?
- Please pronounce the word “equilibrium.”
(I would also allow Dak Prescott to ask Hologram Jerry any questions he has.)
So, to whatever Eagles fan has the best hacking capabilities, I say Godspeed.
